Wednesday, September 25, 2013

~The Day I Became Yours, You Became Mine~

As I sit here and type a future blog post a commercial caught my attention, one that not only piqued my interest but caught my heart. I quickly found it on You Tube and watched it a few more times. If there is ever a day (and there have been a few) that I want to just give up I need to watch this. This commercial brought me to tears with sadness with what we currently don't have BUT in the same breathe, it reminded me that everything we are fighting for, will be worth every tear in the end.

We will be heading to Vegas in 33 days to try IVF again with Dr.Sher. Our wounds have healed from 5 months ago but the worry and doubt about the future are never far behind. It is so easy to get lost in the infertility world; this commercial brings me right back to what it’s all about…being a mom!

  I want this more than anything! Love to you...


Thursday, September 5, 2013

~The ART of Unwanted Comments~

If you have spent any amount of time dealing with infertility you will have quickly learnt the lack of understanding and compassion that comes along with this diagnosis. Even your closest friends and family just don’t get it. You want to reach out, be understood, be heard and mostly be loved but you sink back down into the pit of despair and frustration.

It is one of the most difficult things I have had to face and still challenges me daily. I have been dealing with infertility for nearly 6 years and I wish I could say that I have mastered this but the truth is I haven't. One thing I have come to accept about people is that they cannot understand. They will never get it because it is so far from the realm of something that they can relate to and relatability is what it all boils down to. On the outside everything appears normal but they don't see the longing, loss and constant disappointment infertility brings.

When we first found out about our infertility we were a part of a small group at church. A couple of years passed and soon we were the only ones without a baby. This was a low point in my journey, I felt lonely and isolated. The last time I attended the girls talked for over an hour about babies, pregnancy and anything in between all the while they knew we were desperately trying for a baby. It felt like such a personal dare they talk about this for hours when they know I am hurting.

I felt my life changing, the people I was once closest to now seem distant. One of the most hurtful comments I can remember came from a good friend. She was pregnant at the time with her first and I was desperately trying to keep things together, celebrating her joy but yet looking after my broken heart. Jealousy and anger were an emotion I felt often and had to keep in check. During lunch we had been talking about IVF and how more than likely that would be our only option. She looked at the me said “I cannot believe you guys would consider spending that kind of money on that.”

Needless to say I left that meeting crushed, defeated and a complete mess. I cried for days and I wondered if she stopped to think about how hurtful that comment was. From that point on it seemed like I couldn’t say anything without offending someone. People saw me as angry and crass. Where I needed compassion and understanding there was little. My own family didn't even get it, telling me I need to be less angry and accepting of my situation.

So here I was, treading water trying not to drown. Support did not come from the people you would expect, which came as a surprise. I was looking for support from the wrong crowd, people who either didn’t care or just couldn’t understand the magnitude of what I was going through. For me, support came from an awesome online community, a great local support group and from an awesome husband who will literally let me say anything crass and angry without even blinking an eye. Once I found acceptance I was able to say my truth and start to process my true feelings.

We could start a long list of hurtful and pointless comments made by others. Here is a classic example...

I knew this girl who tried for years to have a baby and then they stopped trying, and bam, she got pregnant. I'm sure you've been told the exact same thing at one time or another.

This person is more than likely just trying to help out. She or he is trying to relate to your situation. The problem is that this DOESN'T help. Comments like this hurt and over simplify a very complicated and personal situation.

The best way I have found to combat negative and unhelpful comments? Find people who love you and really do understand the daily battle you face. Find a support group or start a blog. Start connecting with people who are facing the exact same things you are. They will understand EVERY emotion you are facing and will support you the best they can. I remember when I first started reading blogs, I had never felt so accepted, someone actually understands!

As for family and friends, don't ever apologize for feeling a certain way when it comes to infertility. State your truth and your feelings. They are yours and you have every right to them. Be honest with people. If they say something hurtful, kindly let them know so they can correct it next time. The people who continually say hurtful things aren’t your friends.

Learn to trust yourself, you and you alone know what is best for you and your family. Try to keep positive even though some days you may completely fall apart. Falling apart is not a sign of weakness but a sign you are human. We all have a greater purpose in this life we just have to hang on long enough to find out exactly what that is.

Love to you...


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

~Sufficiently Whelmed~

Infertility has taught me a lot about life in the last few years. There hasn’t been a day that has passed I haven’t thought about how infertility has impacted my decisions and who I have become as a person. Obviously infertility isn’t the only thing that defines me as a person but it has encompassed a large part of my life for the last 5 years.

From the moment I wake up to when I go to bed at night it is on my mind. I sit and think of ways to make the time go faster or how we could change things to make our treatments more successful. I go from one idea to the next, egg donor, sperm donor, adoption, surrogacy and the list goes on! At this point I just want to be a mom, that it's. If I am holding a child I will consider this mission complete.

After our failed IVF in Vegas all I wanted more than anything was to know what to do. What were the most logical steps to take next. The big elephant in the room since we got back is talking about when to stop treatments, an unthinkable conversation I'm sure you can relate to. Whenever we have talked about this, no decision short of "we will keep going till we have a baby" feels right. Emotions run high and it usually ends in tears. I really can't imagine ever feeling good about letting go of this dream.

One lesson I have learned over and over is that life is uncertain, at times cruel and guarantees you nothing. This has propelled me to find the positive in any situation (I swear, there is always something). I try to recognize all the good things around me despite how angry and confused I often feel.

I have come to a place where I just am. I think lots about infertility but it doesn't affect me the way it used to. I have bad days don't get me wrong but it isn't the huge emotional swing it once was. It made me think back to a line in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You.

“I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed but can you ever just be whelmed?”

I suppose currently I am just whelmed, stuck in the middle. Sometimes I think I should feel more sad or angry, sometimes I wish I was able to get worked up when someone makes a stupid comment so I can come back with the best line ever! In the end it just doesn't happen. It isn't that I don't care but I think I have moved into a state of acceptance.

Infertility is all about learning to deal with things we cannot control. Which for me is the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn (and will continue to do so). Since I was little if I wanted something I found some way to get it. I have tried to apply my tenacity to this situation, however it just doesn’t work like that. A baby is not a commodity to work towards, it is a precious gift. A gift you cannot buy or earn, it either happens or it doesn't. Simple as that.

More than anything I want this dream to become a reality for every person out there struggling with infertility. Infertility is never going to make sense to me, it has changed me forever.

Tonight I am thinking of everyone who had to go to bed thinking about the what IF's of tomorrow!  I hold onto the hope that someday this will all make sense.

Love to you...


Tuesday, June 4, 2013

~Brut Force Pregnancy Miracle~

Who knew you didn't need to spend thousands of dollars on fertility treatments?

I just have one question...can I buy this in bulk?!

Love to you...


Friday, May 24, 2013

~Mind Officially Blown~

Tonight while reading through my Facebook feed I noticed a thread that was talking about family planning and how many kids you should have and what others opinions were. Well here are the answers...

#1 - I flaked back and fourth a lot about this one. So I decided not to do anything permanent. Then we decided we wanted another one and got pregnant. Now Abby is two and starting melt down mode and I am wondering what the heck I was thinking. 3 hours ago via mobile • Like • 1

#2 - Our second isn't even here yet and I feel the same way, but I've given myself permission to wait 2 to 3 years before I have to make any decisions:). Good luck! 3 hours ago • Like • 1

#3 - I have similar thought processes, but I really do not want to go through pregnancy or NICU days again. I think if I still feel like I want another in a couple of years, I will adopt a baby girl 3 hours ago via mobile • Like

 #4 - Do you think I am gonna read this for one little second and leave you alone to think you might possibly be done. C'mon girl! I dare ya - just dare you to jump into this kid world a little deeper - no no no no regrets. No, but in all seriousness - you are gonna see as they grow together as best buddies that you can't help but imagine what another little one in the mix would be like. Go for it See, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that has his quiver full of them! 3 hours ago • Like • 1

There were several more comments but you are very smart and get the point! :)

I want to make this clear, this post isn't about hating on any of the women or mom's out there. I realize this conversation is completely normal for couples without reproductive issues and for good reason!

However it really impacted me knowing this will never be us. I will never live in that world and tonight all I can think about is this...

  • Our family will be limited to our financial situation - not just affording the child after it is born but knowing it may cost thousands of dollars to even reach conception
  • I may only ever be blessed with one baby and not even be able to consider giving my child a sibling
  • The above conversation will never make complete sense to me 

 It is hard to keep plugging along while others seemingly have everything you want.  I keep wishing and praying that someday this will be a modified version of us.  Until then my mind is "Officially Blown", I simply cannot get over the fact that getting pregnant is so easy for some.  I read the comments over and over, plain and simple, I am jealous that they have a choice. 

At this moment I would give anything for a choice.

Love to you...