~Remember The Time When I Got a Big Fat Positive~

January 28th is the last time I logged onto blogger. I’ve been giving my negative side time to air out, there were times where I had a whole post written and I could not come to post it because I didn’t want to spread my emotional diarrhea to you lovely peeps. I have totally missed everyone in the blogging community.

The past few weeks have been a blur. Parts of my time away was really amazing and others parts have been filled with tears, frustration and ANGER! Yesterday it all came to a head and I am not sure where to go from here. The story goes a little like this…

On Monday I went to my regular acupuncture session – I was on day 28. Just like every other time I have been at this point in my cycle I have been told “when you get home make sure you take a pregnancy test!” I usually ignore this message for one of two reasons, the first being it costs a lot of money for something that is unlikely and for the second; it evokes a hope that is not easily settled. I have tried really hard to stay away from the just maybes in my life.

This day I was feeling unusually flippant so after I got home from a movie with the Dude I decided to give it a whirl. I was pretty certain I knew the outcome so what did I have to loose, other than my ten dollars. In as little as two minutes I could see two lines (for anyone who knows me and is getting extremely excited right now, sit down I am NOT pregnant) I referred to the box and wouldn’t you know – 2 lines – pregnant!

At first I didn’t know what to do. So like any good infertile I headed to a local 24 hour pharmacy to buy two more tests. Different brands of course. I was not wearing my wedding ring and the cashier totally looked at me as if I was white trash, trying to find out if my skeezy boyfriend had knocked me up, O’ the thoughts running through her mind. The word approved came across the debit pad and I was gone! Admittedly if that was me I probably would have judged “her” to.

On every test is says it is best to test first thing in the morning. I went to bed feeling anxious. Could this really be over? Has the nightmare come to an end?

I woke up to only find out the opposite. It was negative, no line, nothing. A blank abyss on the left hand side of the pregnancy test…again!

I guess you can say in the last 2 days I have said just about every swear word to infertility that I could possibly imagine because seriously “are you fucking kidding me?!” What is this, a sick and cruel joke?! How did I end up with a defective test?

I am so disheartened at the moment, it literally feels like someone is putting a huge friggin rock in every pathway I make for myself and to be quite honest I am sick of it! I would like to know who is in charge, cause I am pissed!

Where do I go from here? I am not sure to be honest. Life is not guaranteed to be easy and definitely not kind. I just want to feel normal again; I want to have hopes and dreams. I want to be able to accomplish something that I put my mind to. All I ever planned on was having kids and that dream at the moment is nothing but a long and disappointing ride to a seemingly never ending pit of failure.

Love to you…