Tonight, for the first time in forever I felt like blogging. I am not sure why I stopped or even if I purposely decided, it just happened. I wanted a break from people knowing the details of this mess. I was starting to feel like I was letting people down, weird huh? Like they were waiting for this
Our infertility journey seems like it has been going on forever. I remember when I first started blogging, I took great comfort in the women who had been struggling for years to conceive. I thought to myself if they can do it than so can I. Now we are over our 3rd anniversary and I just can’t believe I am still here. You never want to be the last one. You never want to believe that it will be you.
I struggle daily with my jealous heart – I cannot bring myself to participate in activities that involve children I don’t know. My heart stretches for my family and friends but after that I feel like I can’t give anymore. I don’t want to hear about pregnancies, babies and how it changed their life. It is not that I am not happy for them…
It is because I am envious of them!
I wish I had a baby switch I could turn off. I wish it wasn’t this way. I wish my body would work right. I wish this was easier. I wish that when I think of having a baby I don’t see dollar signs. I wish I didn’t have to talk about every aspect of my body and cycle with a doctor. I wish, I wish, I wish for a million things to be different with this situation.
Even though I have 1000 unanswered wishes I will keep fighting till I get my ultimate wish…
For someone to call me mom!
As I was typing, Anyway by Martina McBride came up on my play list. What a great song to describe the attitude of people dealing with infertility. We are tired, weak, sad and envious but in the midst of all that emotion we will do it anyway. We will have the courage to face another day, another battle and another scar. We do this believing that one day we will get there, maybe not as we had planned but one day this will all make sense.
When that day comes we will feel peace knowing that this situation worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
Love to you…
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5 comments:
*hugs* You're right - the situation will always work out exactly the way it was suppose to.
Just sending love as you continue on this road. It is a hard sucky one and no one wants to be on it!
I am praying for you:)
Oh how I wish all those things too :/ Sending you lots of *hugs* and support.
Love this post! You know sometimes its hard to admit the things you just said and just know that all of us are in the same boat! It is so hard to be around tons of women constantly announcing pregnancies, and it's never yours. I take great comfort in knowing Jesus Christ has this great plan for my life. I might not get it right now, but He is faithful and just to His people! We must continually offer up our innermost desires to him. He wants to hear our prayers! I am praying for you and all that you have endured! Stay strong. Trust the Lord!
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