~Adult Temper Tantrum's~

I have wasted the last 30 minutes on Youtube looking for adult temper tantrum videos to somehow express how I have felt today. All day I have been super emotional and in general just wanting to throw a huge adult temper tantrum. That would be acceptable, right? Deep down I know this would not solve anything other than a huge release of the emotions but today just maybe it would be just what I need.

I have spent the day in between pissed and super sad seemingly fitting the mold of an angry infertile quite nicely. Some have said in the past that the infertile crowd can be of the angry variety and to that statement I would agree. Infertility is a tedious battle with so many ups and downs it is pretty hard to not end up being pissed at something or someone along the line.

Last week I went for my ultrasounds and finished my birth control pill in hopes of starting my meds this week. Well it is Sunday and I have been off the pill for 4 days and guess what…no period. The IVF nurse even called me today just to double check I had not forgot to call in.

She recommended to wait another few days to see if AF arrived and that would be good advice if she was talking to someone who doesn’t have a hormonally unstable body! She also threw in the old “you may be pregnant line” to which I should have replied…seriously, I just threw up in my mouth?!

She went on to say that my endometrial lining was also too thick and that I would need to bleed before going forward with a cycle. I asked her what that meant to this cycle and she said “well I have added you to the doctors discussion for tomorrow and they will call you”.

After that call I spent most of the day moping around pretending my cat was somehow a suitable replacement for a child. Thank God for the Dude as he was AMAZING to me. He rubbed my feet. Listened to me bitch and cry when I needed and tried to lift my spirits. The day with him was really nice, something we had not done in awhile. Today with the Dude was super I just wish we were celebrating the start of our IVF and not having to worry about it’s potential cancellation.

Today brought me right back to the angry, hurt and wounded women I was a year ago. The Dude and I decided we needed some fresh air so we went on a winter walk and we saw a family outside with a nice house and two beautiful children out front. Everyone was playing in the fresh snow, mom and dad looked in love. My heart raged with jealousy and anger! Some days I feel taunted by God, holding this beautiful dream that others get to have so easily right in front of me. I just don’t understand why this is so hard. I am so often left with the question of why us?

If I begin the why’s I just get frustrated, upset and angry. There is no answer, it just is the way it is. Life is not fair about anything, why would this be any different?

I guess tomorrow holds hope that something will shift and change and it will be alright. In my mind I have already written tomorrow off and the fact we were suppose to be leaving this Friday to start our cycle. Today was just one of those days that make you want to cry and yell all at the same time. Let’s hope for something better tomorrow.

Love to you…