It seems that for me that last two months have been a whirlwind of activity and change. The busier I kept myself the less time I had to actually think about where I am verses where I want to be. The flip side of that is you always have to meet up again with the one thing you are trying to evade.
I read the blogs of the people who did IVF around the same time as us and for the people it worked for I cannot help but think of myself in there shoes, we could be at the exact same place right now. The reality though is that we aren’t. The reality for us is that we have to try again.
I sometimes sit and wonder if I will ever be the same. Even if we have kids I wonder if this hurt and anger I feel daily will one day lift from my soul. I have really started to see my life split into two groups, one being before infertility and the other being after. I look at pictures of myself and when I look at myself I can see a happier more hopeful Beckie.
I suppose that would only make sense because at that time I thought my life was just about to begin. I was married; young and everything was supposed to keep getting better and better. Instead a big hole I couldn’t fill began to grow.
I really struggle with seeing babies and pregnant people. My mind instantly goes to a negative place of anger. It has nothing to do with them but everything to do with me and how I am feeling about my own situation. The pregnancy pictures and the talk about babies and children literally make my heart race with anxiety and hurt. It is getting harder and harder for me to be ok with these situations.
Some days are better and some are worse.
I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to be content.
The harder I try the worse I feel. I don’t know how to make this right. I don’t know how I am going to be ok if this hole in my life is never filled.
I wonder if I had a crystal ball and I knew whether or not we would have kids. I wonder how that would change this conversation or if I would still be as anxious as I am now. I don’t want to waste my life searching for something that may never be.
Bottom line, infertility sucks! It's really hard and a complete game changer.
I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to be fertile. That is one thing I just don’t get!
Love to you…
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10 comments:
I have consciously and subconsciously lost friends over their getting pregnant. I cannot handle being around people who get pregnant the first time quickly and easily. It is horrible and I am angry at them and my situation. I think these feelings we have are normal given the cycle of loss and grief we feel every day and month.
I so know where you are coming from, there are days when it feels like everyone except me has kids (obviously I know this is far from true), and it even gets to the point that I worry about actually getting pregnant and then hurting all the people who still can't - how warped is that?
I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I hear ya, trust me. I am hoping soon you have more good days than bad and you don't lose hope.
I remember thinking the same thing about the crystal ball. If only I KNEW, I could handle the outcome. It was the not knowing that was torture. And then during an IVF cycle, that damn 2ww was like knowing you could have potentially hit the jackpot and not knowing was sheer misery.
When (WHEN) you are finally blessed, please know that the hole infertility created will be not only filled, but will overflow. After 5 IVFs I am certain that I love and appreciate my daughter more than fertile mothers. I have evidence of that every day. You will get through the bitterness - it has changed you temporarily, but your true spirit will emerge.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I have not had a failed cycle so I don't know exactly how you are feeling, but I do know the hurt of IF. I wish I could give you some of my hope, it is what gets me through each day. I still have to take it all a day at a time. I have a feeling the void will fill like Tracey said. I know we will never forget our journey, but I believe a child is in your wonderful future. Hugz!
I am new following you Beckie and have found your blogs isightful and so many of your thoughts I have had myself. I too have lost friends because of the fertility grudge and it hurts at times knowing that they have no idea or empathy towards how you are feeling. I hope for both of us we have success with fertility in the future and I look forward to sharing with you.
So sorry I'm just now commenting..had a busy trip back home and then when I returned my blog commenting feature kept freezing up on me. Grr - SOO frustrating!
Anyway, I can totally relate to all the feelings you described. I have been there 100% before. I can tell you that for me personally, the feelings did subside a bit after having John, but they do still come in waves. Even while I was pregnant, because of everything we'd been through, pregnant women and women with babies were definitely a trigger. I wrestle with those awful feelings especially now that we're TTC #2 and back in 'infertility purgatory' again;)
I'm so sorry you're experiencing all those tough emotions. Something that's helped me lately is knowing we don't have these desires for children without reason - God has a perfect plan that will be fulfilled..you will be a mother someday, somehow. He hears your heart and knows your every thought, feeling, and prayer..the suffering we go through will not be in vain. I realize these words may not bring you much comfort right now. Just simply know I am praying for you and am here ALWAYS if you ever want to talk. My e-mail's brittney.mills@gmail.com. Will be praying specifically 2012's THE YEAR for you, my sweet friend. ((HUGS))
Thinking about you. Hope you and the Hubby are well.
Thinking of you also..continuing to pray for you guys daily and hope you're doing well.
infertility def sucks. i'm sorry you have to try again and that it didn't work that last round.
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