Beckie's Infertility Journey

~Living In The Void~

2012-01-04T18:53:00.003-06:00

Long time no chat internet peeps! How was your Christmas and New Years?!

It seems that for me that last two months have been a whirlwind of activity and change. The busier I kept myself the less time I had to actually think about where I am verses where I want to be. The flip side of that is you always have to meet up again with the one thing you are trying to evade.

I read the blogs of the people who did IVF around the same time as us and for the people it worked for I cannot help but think of myself in there shoes, we could be at the exact same place right now. The reality though is that we aren’t. The reality for us is that we have to try again.

I sometimes sit and wonder if I will ever be the same. Even if we have kids I wonder if this hurt and anger I feel daily will one day lift from my soul. I have really started to see my life split into two groups, one being before infertility and the other being after. I look at pictures of myself and when I look at myself I can see a happier more hopeful Beckie.

I suppose that would only make sense because at that time I thought my life was just about to begin. I was married; young and everything was supposed to keep getting better and better. Instead a big hole I couldn’t fill began to grow.

I really struggle with seeing babies and pregnant people. My mind instantly goes to a negative place of anger. It has nothing to do with them but everything to do with me and how I am feeling about my own situation. The pregnancy pictures and the talk about babies and children literally make my heart race with anxiety and hurt. It is getting harder and harder for me to be ok with these situations.

Some days are better and some are worse.

I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to be content.

The harder I try the worse I feel. I don’t know how to make this right. I don’t know how I am going to be ok if this hole in my life is never filled.

I wonder if I had a crystal ball and I knew whether or not we would have kids. I wonder how that would change this conversation or if I would still be as anxious as I am now. I don’t want to waste my life searching for something that may never be.

Bottom line, infertility sucks! It's really hard and a complete game changer.

I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to be fertile. That is one thing I just don’t get!

Love to you…

~Moving Forward~

2011-12-09T17:53:00.003-06:00

I went in for my beta blood draw today. Technically I was suppose to wait until tomorrow but with a blood HCG test by this point they would clearly be able to see if it had worked or not.

I have been testing at home since 5dp5dt (5 days past 5 day transfer) which is roughly about 10 days past ovulation. Unfortunately I have nothing exciting to share – every test since than has come back negative. Today I am 11dp5dt and although there is a chance that I could still be pregnant, it is HIGHLY unlikely at this point. That is why I went into the office today to get the blood work done because I just want this to be over so we can move on and try again.

There are many people who feel testing at home is a waste of time, for myself, it allowed me to grieve over several days. Not that anytime during the testing process I counted myself completely out BUT every day you get a negative result your chances start to dwindle just a little more.

I am actually feeling pretty good. There have been some sobbing tears over the last few days which is to be expected. Overall I am feeling positive and optimistic about the future. I really feel fortunate and blessed to have gone in for IVF (so many people don’t get to go) and I am also thankful we have (3) frosters that we are able to use in the next few months.

This weekend I hope they will call back with the results and I can stop taking my progesterone and estrogen supplements (they are making me go crazy!) It will be then we can start making plans for the future to transfer our frosters!

I can do nothing to change the outcome of this situation. I am however reminding myself that although this part of our journey is over we will have another chance real soon!

I can sum up today in a few words…

Sad – Blessed - Optimistic

Right now I feel my life changing and I can feel there are even better things to come. During this holiday season I am going to remember all the blessings I have been given (because there are ALOT) and let go of something I cannot change…the past!

“The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it.”

Love to you…

~Transfer Time and The Dreaded 2 Week Wait~

2011-12-02T01:21:00.002-06:00

We survived the transfer and are now 4dp5dt (4 days past a 5 day transfer). It is an exciting time for the Dude and I as we allow ourselves to dream…just a little. We transferred one perfect looking Blastocyst to its home. Here’s to hoping the little fellar sticks around for awhile!

I decided not to post during the growth of the embryos because everything just felt so up and down. One day they would be growing well and the next day a little slower. The doctor changed the number of how many we would end up with everyday. It was stressful waiting for the phone call to hear whether the little ones had made it overnight. One day the Dude even LIED to me because he felt it would upset me unnecessarily. He would be right because at that point the doctor had no good news to share – thanks Dude!

Here is what happened…

• 20 eggs retrieved - only 10 are mature enough to fertilize

• All 10 fertilize (YAY)

• All 10 are growing, 4 are at a above normal pace (This continues up until transfer)

• Day 5 we have 4 Blastocysts and 6 other embryos which were either not strong enough or would have had abnormalities (rest in peace little ones)

• Transfer 1 blast and now have 3 ice babies residing in Calgary!

• The dude and I were joking and laughing with each other all the way to transfer! YAY!

You would think right now I would be in this euphoric state of happiness but the truth is the 2 week wait is dreadful! Infertility makes you feel like you are always going to be let down and here I am thinking about just that. It is hard to imagine after so many trials actually receiving good news.

I am trying to keep a positive attitude and with no help from the hormones coursing through my body. With my emotions wildly out of control I decided to take a few extra days off this week to rest and relax. Although sometimes the extra time off has felt counter productive because you sit there and analyze every twinge and feeling to the max.

Test day is on December 10 and I can hardly wait. I want this more than anything! Please, please let this be positive!

Love to you…

~Egg Retrieval Day~

2011-11-22T23:34:00.000-06:00

Egg retrieval is OVER, woot woot! Everything went really smooth and the doctor said everything looked good. They retrieved 20 eggs and from those 20 they think about 12 were mature enough to fertilize…I guess we will see tomorrow when the embryologist calls!

Today after the procedure the Dude took me to Red Lobster (my favorite) and for a cupcake at Crave. After that it was straight to the hotel for a 5 hour nap! Tonight I have been bumming around because the pressure of walking makes my ovaries scream “ow”!

I thought I would post a video about the process of IVF for the people who are still a little confused about IVF and what goes on. I found this fun video online, I hope you get something out of it!

The Dude and I are SUPER excited to hear about our little embies tomorrow! Hopefully my eggs did not decline dinner and a movie!

Love to you…

~What Is Your Wish?~

2011-11-21T00:46:00.000-06:00

Tonight I did my HCG trigger shot! I cannot believe that this milestone has come and gone. The doctor says that I have over 20 eggs but will have to wait until they are retrieved to see the quality and which ones are mature enough for fertilization. Retrieval is set for Tuesday morning at 9am and I am pumped! I cannot wait to begin the fun stuff of IVF!

This week as I have waited for my appointments I have had a good look at how vast infertility actually is. I have seen ever single grouping of people imaginable, all battling the same thing…infertility. It is nice to know that I am not the only person going through this but at the same time my heart breaks for each couple waiting. I feel their hurt, sadness and the grief they have felt for a child.

When I am in that room I feel understood, supported and completely normal. When I step outside the comfort of those who know my struggle and pain I begin to feel lost. I sometimes feel as if I don’t have a voice anymore.

It is hard to explain to people who had no trouble getting pregnant on the depths of what infertility can effect. Most people I tell acknowledge that infertility is expensive and yes they would be right. I am not sure if people are just not aware but infertility affects EVERY aspect of that person’s life and not just their finances.

I wish more people knew that infertility is life altering and is a game changer in every way imaginable. I wish that instead of being hostile to so many people I would have tried to educate them instead of letting them get to my core with there ignorance to infertility. I wish that infertility is something that someday I would just magically grow out of. I wish for contentment in anything.

What is your wish?

Love to you…

~Someone Pinch Me...IVF Underway~

2011-11-16T00:11:00.000-06:00

Well here I am, in Calgary sitting in my hotel room waiting for the Dude to arrive tomorrow. To be honest it feels surreal to be here. With the events of last week I feel so entirely blessed to be even getting this opportunity! Last week was hard, we have waited so long for this and to have it be ripped out from under us made me so angry and hurt.

Right now I am on cycle day 6 and I am feeling pretty good. I am doing my injections daily and going in for my blood draws and ultrasound every other day. To this point everything has been uneventful!

I am doing three injections daily, Gonal-F, Luveris and Certrotide. The injections for me have been a piece of cake, they don’t bother me one bit. I have found it hard to give myself my injections at the exact same time. It would be totally fine if I was in my hotel room but at 3 in the afternoon I have been out and about.

I could go to the food court, plunk down and shoot me up some medicine BUT somewhere inside of me says this probably isn’t a good plan. I have found the family washrooms are a life saver! I have some anxiety when I am in there as I can envision a parent sitting outside the door waiting with their kids for 15 minutes and when I do emerge, they would see no kids in hand and myself looking like one giant ass. Although this thought has run through my head every time I have gone in the family washroom I just don’t care enough to not do it. I need that room as much as they do and at the end of the day that is all that matters.

The doctor said I am growing some nice looking eggies, which is awesome! I figured out that the injections are about $300 dollars a dose and at that price there better be some eggs! It was nice to hear him finally say everything is on track because in the back of my mind I was freaking out that the drugs weren’t working. Rest assured he told me I am progressing along well. "Grow eggies grow"!

Egg retrieval is set for sometime next week so I will keep you posted on that.

Other than that I have no crazy hormonal bitch stories (which is a little disappointing). I am just going to enjoy my time and this experience because before I know it will be over and done with.

Thanks for all your love last week! This blog has been a lifesaver for me!

Love to you…

~Adult Temper Tantrum's~

2011-11-07T01:33:00.001-06:00

I have wasted the last 30 minutes on Youtube looking for adult temper tantrum videos to somehow express how I have felt today. All day I have been super emotional and in general just wanting to throw a huge adult temper tantrum. That would be acceptable, right? Deep down I know this would not solve anything other than a huge release of the emotions but today just maybe it would be just what I need.

I have spent the day in between pissed and super sad seemingly fitting the mold of an angry infertile quite nicely. Some have said in the past that the infertile crowd can be of the angry variety and to that statement I would agree. Infertility is a tedious battle with so many ups and downs it is pretty hard to not end up being pissed at something or someone along the line.

Last week I went for my ultrasounds and finished my birth control pill in hopes of starting my meds this week. Well it is Sunday and I have been off the pill for 4 days and guess what…no period. The IVF nurse even called me today just to double check I had not forgot to call in.

She recommended to wait another few days to see if AF arrived and that would be good advice if she was talking to someone who doesn’t have a hormonally unstable body! She also threw in the old “you may be pregnant line” to which I should have replied…seriously, I just threw up in my mouth?!

She went on to say that my endometrial lining was also too thick and that I would need to bleed before going forward with a cycle. I asked her what that meant to this cycle and she said “well I have added you to the doctors discussion for tomorrow and they will call you”.

After that call I spent most of the day moping around pretending my cat was somehow a suitable replacement for a child. Thank God for the Dude as he was AMAZING to me. He rubbed my feet. Listened to me bitch and cry when I needed and tried to lift my spirits. The day with him was really nice, something we had not done in awhile. Today with the Dude was super I just wish we were celebrating the start of our IVF and not having to worry about it’s potential cancellation.

Today brought me right back to the angry, hurt and wounded women I was a year ago. The Dude and I decided we needed some fresh air so we went on a winter walk and we saw a family outside with a nice house and two beautiful children out front. Everyone was playing in the fresh snow, mom and dad looked in love. My heart raged with jealousy and anger! Some days I feel taunted by God, holding this beautiful dream that others get to have so easily right in front of me. I just don’t understand why this is so hard. I am so often left with the question of why us?

If I begin the why’s I just get frustrated, upset and angry. There is no answer, it just is the way it is. Life is not fair about anything, why would this be any different?

I guess tomorrow holds hope that something will shift and change and it will be alright. In my mind I have already written tomorrow off and the fact we were suppose to be leaving this Friday to start our cycle. Today was just one of those days that make you want to cry and yell all at the same time. Let’s hope for something better tomorrow.

Love to you…

~Baby Race and Boudoir Photos~

2011-10-19T23:16:00.000-06:00

I was surfing on the internet tonight and discovered that Hilary Duff is pregnant. I had to think “am I really that old that Hilary Duff has beaten me to the coveted baby mama status”?! The answer to that question would be yes. I can clearly remember babysitting one girl who was obsessed with Lizzy Maguire (a show similar in nature to Hannah Montana in which Duff starred in) that aired about 10 years ago. Time sure flies by and before you know it Hilary Duff is knocked up before you are! ;)

Once again, I haven’t been on here in forever! I have been so busy with work and most nights I end up watching some form of trashy TV or going out with a friend. This however has served as a needed distraction. So, although I have missed blogging it has been good to come and go as needed. I have no idea what is going on with you and I really wish I did. I miss the internet community!

I started my birth control pill last Friday; it was taken with mixed feelings. It feels super counter productive to me. I know that it is necessary but it just feels odd, ya know what I mean? Since I started my BC pills you guessed it, we are cycling in November, WOOT WOOT! It seems surreal. I received all my medication, paid the fertility clinic and am now sitting and waiting. I don’t have all the dates but I am sure I will be blogging about everything along the way. I would love for you to join me on this journey; I am going to need all the support I can get!

As some of you may know the Dude is a photographer. A few weekends ago he held a boudoir marathon for some of his clients. Personally I have always thought of doing boudoir photos for the Dude but never really went ahead with it because I am no size 4.

In the past when I would look at the girls the Dude has photographed I would feel a twinge of jealously because let’s just face it…my ass has never been that smooth! My life has changed a lot; even though I am bigger I still have a lot of self confidence. I decided to go ahead and do it just for me.

When it came time to shoot the photos I was still feeling self conscious but I quickly loosened up and before you know it I was having a lot of FUN! I had a great time posing and joking around with the Dude. I am glad I did it. It made me feel sexy and beautiful. Infertility has a way of ripping those two feelings right away from you.

I convinced the Dude to give me one photo to post on my blog (he has a strict policy that NO ONE looks at photos before they are finished) so this was actually kind of a big deal! You bloggies will be the first people to see a photo from my shoot! If you are feeling self conscious this is a fantastic confidence booster and I had a wonderful time. I would highly recommend it to anyone!!

Here goes nothing…

You can go check out the Dude's site here! What do you think?!

I also wanted to give a shout out to a sweet girl named Emily. A few weeks ago she sent me the kindest email. I was so thankful and touched by her words. To my knowledge she doesn’t have a blog so I cannot direct you there to share in her kindness.

I love people like Emily – “girl, you make the world a better place!”

Well that’s my life in a nutshell, today anyways.

Love to you…

~Kittens, IVF and Some Feelings~

2011-09-22T00:05:00.002-06:00

It is hard to know where to begin when you have not blogged in so long! A lot has changed in my life and in my mind. Life has a funny way of constantly changing everything you thought you knew.

I believe when I left off we were welcoming a new kitten into our home. My sister in law Jenn had an orphan kitten that I fell in love with. Although I am a big animal person I never thought I would own a cat! Oliver as we called him was still on a bottle when we brought him home. Little did we know that Oliver was actually a girl, so we did a little switcheroo and her name is now Olive.

I was talking to Jenn the day I picked Olive up and she summed it up perfectly…

“If I was going through what you are I would need a pet and you better believe I would pick the smallest one with the most amount of care needed”

My evenings have been spent playing, feeding and disciplining the kitten. This is one decision I am so happy we made, there really is nothing else to say other than I LOVE the little feller!

On the IVF front we got some great news…we actually have a date! It feels surreal to be saying this after everything we have been through! November 11th we start injections! I have never been so happy to get a needle in my life! Yippee!

Emotionally I still have been doing well; I have only had a few “setbacks” as of late. I was at the mall with the dude and I felt like they (pregnant women and new babies) were closing in on me, I swear they were everywhere! I let my emotions get the best of me, lost my temper and pretty much wrecked my whole day.

There was also one day last week where I was super pissed. A lady was in our store complaining about the costs of prenatal vitamins. She wouldn’t stop talking about the cost of everything and how it was making her poor! It took everything in me to smile and nod. I wanted to tell her to be thankful and that at LEAST she conceived her baby for free…FREE!!!!!

Well that what’s going on with me! What is going with you?!

Love to you…

~My Baby is Pro-Choice~

2011-08-12T01:52:00.001-06:00

Hey Bloggies, tonight I got home from work late and I wanted to de-stress a little so I flipped open my laptop and started crusin’ the net. It wasn’t long until I stumbled upon this…

I have to say that in my opinion she has got to be the most RIDICULOUS and PATHETIC protester I have seen to date!

I don’t really care what side of the argument you are on, all I can say is there are so, sooo many things wrong with this picture!

Why can’t her lady parts be broken?! Sheesh

On a positive note the Dude said I could get a Kitten – Little Oliver (Ollie) will be joining our family on Saturday! Eeeekkk! My natural inclination “to pour love into something” is spilling over! No baby yet but in the meantime Ollie is a good filler!!!!

Thank you DUDE for the best gift ever, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will post some pics on the weekend!

Have a weekend guys!

Love to you….

~Teaching Your Small Child to Breastfeed 101~

2011-08-03T07:21:00.002-06:00

Let’s see, you’ve got Cameron, Jeremiah, Jessica, Lilyang, Savannah and Tony.

Who are these people you ask?

They are all Breastfeeding Babies!

I was on my way to work yesterday and as usual the Dude ALWAYS listens to talk radio in the morning. I rarely if ever understand what is going on with their in depth conversations at that time in the morning. This morning however was an exception to the rule.

The Berjuan Company has made a doll that they say encourages a young child to understand the importance of breastfeeding. They point out that every other doll currently on the market comes with a bottle and with this they feel the wrong message is being sent to the child. Currently this doll has only been available in a select few countries and through online purchase. However it may be coming to US store shelves sooner than you think and for only $99 you could own your very own Breast Milk Baby!

Personally I find it a little disturbing. We all know the age old debate to breastfeed or not and I feel that the education is out there. Unless you are a contestant on Teen Mom you do everything in your power to breastfeed because you know in the back of your mind that it is best for the baby.

If this is a teaching doll then why is it not anatomically correct? Last time I checked I didn’t have flowers down there, well unless you are wearing some sort of pasties! In fact I am pretty sure I remember trying to “breastfeed” my dolls as a child. Little girls know – they see it and than copy it bottle or not.

What do you think bloggies? Has this idea been taken too far? Is this something you would buy for your little girl or boy? I wanna know!

Love to you...

~Happy~

2011-07-30T15:50:00.000-06:00

Hey Bloggies, it has been 68 days since my last blog post and I am feeling better than ever. I needed the break from talking to everyone about infertility. It was already such a burden to feel the sadness and loss everyday and then to continue a discussion about it was even harder. I knew I was completely lost but didn’t know where to go and how to feel.

As of today I can honestly say I am happy, one thing that I have not said in years. I am happy with my marriage, my friends, my family, my home and work (most of the time). I feel like for the first time I can be happy and find Beckie again.

When I was young I lived a charmed life, everything always worked out for me and maybe this is why this process has been so hard to deal with. No matter how hard I pushed, pulled and spent I could not change the fact that we don’t have children. About 8 months ago I decided I had to win back my life because up until this point I had been wasting it. I received a referral from a friend for a counsellor named Carol – little did I know stepping into that room would be the best decision I have ever made.

Most of my life I have been anti-counsellor/psychologist, from a young age I’ve had too many bad experiences to expect this would be any different. The moment I stepped into that room awaited a caring soul who was more like a friend than a counsellor. She was able to cut through the crap and tell me like it was, she was sensitive enough to realize when to talk and when to listen.

It was in these sessions I was able to spill my soul, sometimes in anger and sometimes in tears. The one thing different about her sessions is I always left feeling hopeful and that I would make it through this. Every week got a little easier and with the mantra “taking one step at a time” I am here today, feeling great!

So where are we in the swing of all this fertility business you ask? The one thing I know for sure is I am NOT pregnant and that’s ok. We are going in for IVF probably in October, we have gotten the call from the fertility clinic and we are just waiting for some tests and we should be ready to go.

I got my fingers and toes crossed, who knows if it will work. In the meantime I am keeping a low profile on the outcome and hoping for the best!

I look forward to easing back into blogging providing a place where people can come and share their story and be encouraged by mine.

Taking one step at a time of course!

Love to you…

~Judgement Day Cometh and Goeth~

2011-05-23T10:32:00.004-06:00

So judgement day did not come…surprise, surprise! Admittedly on Saturday I felt a little like Jack Bower and time was ticking away wondering if this was it?! On that lovely Saturday morning I was scheduled in at work and we had a planned a doomsday party – after all if the world was going to end you wouldn’t want to spend it at work not having fun, right? We counted down and nothing happened, the lovely dude even called right on the hour just to check in. All that hype and money spent for absolutely nothing!

I have to wonder what they were thinking, they spent a total of $100 million dollars on an across the globe marketing campaign. For Harold Camping’s followers that must be a complete buzz kill and a slight disappointment! Better go find a new church guys cause yours just went bankrupt!

What could $100 million dollars do…a lot! I have to wonder what Jesus would say about such a situation. Forget about the typical church rants (same sex marriage, abortion, scientific research – IVF, Stem Cells, doctrinal issues) there are people starving and suffering in this world, people who need the care of someone, that money could have been spent on something good.

I wonder how many lives could have been changed if they used that money on people and not billboards. Currently in my life I would classify myself as a non-believer. As a child and young adult I had so many bad church experiences that have stayed with me till now. I have been hurt by a lot of “church” people. It sucks cause the whole idea of religion in my mind is to care for and love people.

I found this picture online and there are more than a few people from my past that I could give this to!

Unil the next doomsday...

Have a great week friends!!!

~Pee Stick Log House~

2011-05-12T04:26:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had my second HSG test, yes that would be the second time I have had this test in a little over a year. Was there anything different about it? Not really, although it was much better than the first, perhaps less nerves, perhaps I am just getting used to doctors shoving things up my hoo hoo – HA! The doctor casually joked before the procedure which made me feel at ease. Before I knew it, it was done. The doctor gave me a clear check up and we are good to go again! “IVF, could you really be only a few months away?!”

It looks like for now I am back to peeing on expensive pieces of paper, waiting in anticipation, getting a big fat negative, having a cry session and drinking it all down with one huge gin and tonic. The best part of any failed cycle in my opinion has got to be the gin and tonic! Cheers to another cycle, because you just never know, this could be the one!!! As I typed those words the little voice inside my head just chirped in…

“SUCKER!”

I also found this photo…

My response…

“I can make a log house out of ovulation sticks!”

Love to you…

~The Benefits of NOT Being a Mother~

2011-05-08T02:48:00.002-06:00

I just poured myself an iced glass of Arnold Palmer and settled into a comfy spot to blog. Today is the big day, the day when most infertiles hide from there fertile counter parts. It is a day which brings a stinging reminder to all who have experienced infertility and loss.

This time last year I was angry, hurt and devastated. This year I still feel the same way but it just doesn't bother me as much, I feel mellower about the whole situation. This year I have decided to discontinue the phrase “this fucking sucks”, as this described my mantra about the last mother’s day.

This mother’s day I decided to switch things up on the blog. I wanted to write about some of the wonderful benefits of not having children. I am not saying that kids don’t completely change your life and swell your heart with pride. I am saying that having children shouldn’t define us as much as it does. It is easy to get swept into this mystical belief that being a parent will satisfy us completely, this notion is true for some but not for most.

Being a parent is tough (not that I know personally) – but when I see a lady who comes into the store with her three kids, hair in complete disarray, without a bra and looking like she hadn’t slept in a week it brings me back to reality about the whole parenting concept. It is life changing and those women wouldn’t change it for the world BUT it is challenging task!

I am standing smack dab in the middle of two types of people, the ones who DO NOT want children and the ones who DO. In this place I am able to see a little of both sides and from where I stand right now both have very great benefits and both have some pretty shitty downfalls!

Obviously this post isn’t about the benefits of being a parent cause that would send me right back to the “this fucking sucks” mantra. I want kids – I want to look like that women in the grocery store but since that is not an option right now I am taking this day to remember all the things that I have complete freedom to do.

Even though are hearts ache and we would never choose to be in this situation we are going to LIVE this day. Today we are going to enjoy every kid free moment, being childless sucks but remember, sometimes having children suck to.

My personal top ten list of what I enjoy about my life right now…without babies!

1. I am able to sleep in and usually get a full 8-10 hours of sleep and if I don’t it is my own damn fault.

2. I am able to spend our money very freely – have you ever seen my makeup collection?!

3. I am able to focus on my career, I can work late without worrying that I am neglecting my family.

4. We are able to take 2 vacations a year, relaxing on a beach!

5. Going out for dinner is not a production – it is just completely enjoyable.

6. I am able to spend time doing the hobbies we love after work without worrying about a children’s schedule.

7. I am able to do things at the drop of a hat, I have so much freedom.

8. My car is clean and I am the only one who will make it dirty. Kids have not decorated the windows with stickers.

9. Dora, Diego, The Wiggles, Doodlebops, Wonderpets…need I say more.

10. We are able to go on late night movie dates often.

What is one thing you think you will miss when you have children?!

The bottom line is when we have kids I would trade my life in a heartbeat, but for now I am going to remember that the grass is always greener and there are just as many benefits to not having children as there are having them.

For the people who don’t have kids…sleep in, eat a large breakfast, go do something FUN and focus on you. Focus on the fact that next year could be your year but enjoy today. We so often rush to the next phase of our lives without truly appreciating the one were in, even if it's not our chosen path.

Here is a video I found comfort in today, I will go about my day joyfully knowing for sure that I will not have to deal with this…

To all the mothers out there, especially my mom – Happy Mothers Day! Although I am not celebrating this day as a mother I can see the amount of hard work, effort and love it takes to be a parent – enjoy your day, for it only comes once a year.

Love to you…

~Dream it Anyway~

2011-05-04T02:51:00.002-06:00

The rain is coming down outside and for the first time it looks like spring could be on its way! After being stuck in a blizzard last week (yes you read that right BLIZZARD) the rain is a welcomed change.

Tonight, for the first time in forever I felt like blogging. I am not sure why I stopped or even if I purposely decided, it just happened. I wanted a break from people knowing the details of this mess. I was starting to feel like I was letting people down, weird huh? Like they were waiting for this ~~announcement~~ invitation that would never come.

Our infertility journey seems like it has been going on forever. I remember when I first started blogging, I took great comfort in the women who had been struggling for years to conceive. I thought to myself if they can do it than so can I. Now we are over our 3rd anniversary and I just can’t believe I am still here. You never want to be the last one. You never want to believe that it will be you.

I struggle daily with my jealous heart – I cannot bring myself to participate in activities that involve children I don’t know. My heart stretches for my family and friends but after that I feel like I can’t give anymore. I don’t want to hear about pregnancies, babies and how it changed their life. It is not that I am not happy for them…

It is because I am envious of them!

I wish I had a baby switch I could turn off. I wish it wasn’t this way. I wish my body would work right. I wish this was easier. I wish that when I think of having a baby I don’t see dollar signs. I wish I didn’t have to talk about every aspect of my body and cycle with a doctor. I wish, I wish, I wish for a million things to be different with this situation.

Even though I have 1000 unanswered wishes I will keep fighting till I get my ultimate wish…

For someone to call me mom!

As I was typing, Anyway by Martina McBride came up on my play list. What a great song to describe the attitude of people dealing with infertility. We are tired, weak, sad and envious but in the midst of all that emotion we will do it anyway. We will have the courage to face another day, another battle and another scar. We do this believing that one day we will get there, maybe not as we had planned but one day this will all make sense.

When that day comes we will feel peace knowing that this situation worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.

Love to you…

~Remember The Time When I Got a Big Fat Positive~

2011-03-09T02:11:00.002-06:00

January 28th is the last time I logged onto blogger. I’ve been giving my negative side time to air out, there were times where I had a whole post written and I could not come to post it because I didn’t want to spread my emotional diarrhea to you lovely peeps. I have totally missed everyone in the blogging community.

The past few weeks have been a blur. Parts of my time away was really amazing and others parts have been filled with tears, frustration and ANGER! Yesterday it all came to a head and I am not sure where to go from here. The story goes a little like this…

On Monday I went to my regular acupuncture session – I was on day 28. Just like every other time I have been at this point in my cycle I have been told “when you get home make sure you take a pregnancy test!” I usually ignore this message for one of two reasons, the first being it costs a lot of money for something that is unlikely and for the second; it evokes a hope that is not easily settled. I have tried really hard to stay away from the just maybes in my life.

This day I was feeling unusually flippant so after I got home from a movie with the Dude I decided to give it a whirl. I was pretty certain I knew the outcome so what did I have to loose, other than my ten dollars. In as little as two minutes I could see two lines (for anyone who knows me and is getting extremely excited right now, sit down I am NOT pregnant) I referred to the box and wouldn’t you know – 2 lines – pregnant!

At first I didn’t know what to do. So like any good infertile I headed to a local 24 hour pharmacy to buy two more tests. Different brands of course. I was not wearing my wedding ring and the cashier totally looked at me as if I was white trash, trying to find out if my skeezy boyfriend had knocked me up, O’ the thoughts running through her mind. The word approved came across the debit pad and I was gone! Admittedly if that was me I probably would have judged “her” to.

On every test is says it is best to test first thing in the morning. I went to bed feeling anxious. Could this really be over? Has the nightmare come to an end?

I woke up to only find out the opposite. It was negative, no line, nothing. A blank abyss on the left hand side of the pregnancy test…again!

I guess you can say in the last 2 days I have said just about every swear word to infertility that I could possibly imagine because seriously “are you fucking kidding me?!” What is this, a sick and cruel joke?! How did I end up with a defective test?

I am so disheartened at the moment, it literally feels like someone is putting a huge friggin rock in every pathway I make for myself and to be quite honest I am sick of it! I would like to know who is in charge, cause I am pissed!

Where do I go from here? I am not sure to be honest. Life is not guaranteed to be easy and definitely not kind. I just want to feel normal again; I want to have hopes and dreams. I want to be able to accomplish something that I put my mind to. All I ever planned on was having kids and that dream at the moment is nothing but a long and disappointing ride to a seemingly never ending pit of failure.

Love to you…

~The Odd Duck Out~

2011-01-28T22:25:00.002-06:00

Today while I was working at the store I had a conversation with a lady.

Lady – How long have you and the dude been married?

Me – Almost 5 Years

Lady – That is wonderful and how many kids do you have?

Me- None

Lady – Good for you, I think more people should wait till they are older to have kids.

Little did she know that this was not our choice, it was not our plan. Yet again I was reminded that we are not the norm. By their fifth anniversary most couples have a child, maybe even two or three. But not us. I spend a lot of time thinking and wondering, when will it be our time?

Tonight I will let this picture speak for me…

Love to you…

~Pee Stick Debacle - A Must Read~

2011-01-25T22:52:00.014-06:00

You know your infertile when…

You have company over and forget to take out the used pee sticks in the garbage from the night before. Boo Yah! I wonder what our guests thought about that?!

I really do hate pee sticks and it seems that mine are always defective, and when I say defective, I more or less mean my body is defective.

In fact the one night I did get a positive ovulation test I swiftly asked the dude to pee on a new one. Just to see if the pee stick God’s were messing with my mind or they had looked down kindly on me and it actually worked. He of course turned down my request and I burnt another 3 or 4, you know, just in case.

In light of my pee stick debacle I decided to do a little history reading on the dreaded things, but first things first, look at this awesome mug…

Now onto the educational stuff...

It looks like the first pregnancy test was introduced in the early 70’s and was approved by the FDA in 1976; can you even imagine having to wait a whole month before you found out if you were pregnant?! Heck most infertile women I know can barely wait 7 days, and then it becomes apart of her morning and evening routine, just after she brushes her teeth!

Some of the first tests were around $10.00 – a rip off then, a rip off now! Thank the lord for Dollarama. Although if I thought I was ACTUALLY pregnant I would run out and buy one of the Cadillac pregnancy tests for $20, you know the digital ones, it seems a little higher class.

In 1350 BC there is some evidence that the first pee tests came from the Egyptians, a woman who thought she might be pregnant could pee on wheat and barley seeds over the course of several days. If the barley grew, it meant it was a boy and if the wheat grew it would be a girl. If both the barley and wheat did not grow the woman had not conceived. Anyone want to try this theory out for me? I can provide all seeds, soil and pots. Apparently they had done some testing in the 60’s and it appeared be around 70 percent accurate? Weird huh?

Here is one of the first ads that would run in many women magazines such as Vogue and Ladies Home Journal.

Things sure have changed, we now have a test that will predict gender and how many weeks you are...Cadillac, Cadillac long and dark shiny and....back to the post. It is interesting to note that the model is now older and would appear to be more confidant. When I look at the top one I think of a "typical mom", when I look at the second I see an educated career woman.

Last but not least, just when you think you have seen it all. A pretty epic YouTube video, is your husband ready for children? A test for the male populous, his and her pee sticks. I’d say that about wraps up my findings. Night everyone!

Love to you…

~A Little Smatter of Everything~

2011-01-24T00:42:00.010-06:00

Hey Bloggies! I am in the midst of applying a canker sore patch in my mouth. Of course it is not as easy as the box would let on and it kind of feels like I have glued my gums and lips together. I cannot use my voice because I am currently glued, so I figured I would use my words instead.

This past week I had another learning lesson in the battle of infertility. One that was a surprise and threw me through a loop! I spoke to a girl with whom I am merely an acquaintance with, she told me that I had made a decision based on the fact that 1) I am not able to get pregnant and 2) I am jealous of her. It was shocking at the lack of self responsibility she showed in the situation she created for herself. At the end of the day it just wasn’t true, not even a little.

It has taken me several days to shrug off the stupidity of what she said. It boils down to this, I am pissed that I was used as the scape goat to her sad and pathetic story. I have been rather annoyed with people lately who can’t handle their own problems. Just because you cannot fess up to what is “actually” going on does not mean you need to place blame on everyone else around you. End rant.

Bloggies has the above situation ever happened to you? A friend told me about this book the other day and I am totally stoked to read it! It feeds right into what I was just talking about. Perhaps it will help me understand the madness which is called narcissism and entitlement. I will let you know what the book was like when I am finished reading it!

Moving on to brighter topics…

“Beckies Delurker Days” wrapped up last week and we have a winner! It is a gift basket of things I love. The lucky winner is…

Jill from All Aboard the Pity Boat

Congrats Jill! If you want to send over your mailing address to beckiesinfertile@live.ca I can get your gift basket out to you soon!

Also over the weekend I received two blog awards. The first is from Megan at MJ’s Memories and the second from Molly at The Adventures of an Infertile Nanny.

I first met Megan when I was doing my 25 gifts in 25 days project. I was so impressed with her story and the courage and strength she shows everyday! Megan gave birth to twins, Will and MJ. It was heartbreaking to hear that little sweet MJ did not make it. In memory of him Megan started a chapter of Project Sweet Peas, which is an organization that brings gift bags and a touch of comfort to parents who have a child in the NICU. Not only is Megan being a rock star mom she is giving back to others. A truly great woman!

Molly is a lady who shares her life through her blog as an Infertile Nanny. I love how she is so open about her life and journey. She loves her husband, her niece and from what I can tell a good book! Perhaps I see an infertile book club in our future?!

Thanks ladies for you support and encouragement! I truly appreciate it! Since I got these blogging awards together I am going to give them both away at the same time. The rules for both were very similar so I hope I am not making the blogging award God’s angry.

Here's how this award works.

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award

Okay here we go - 7 things about me…

1.Having a good attitude in my opinion is the single best attribute someone can have.

2.I LOVE McDonald’s coke – I have noticed the person at the drive thru has stopped looking at me funny for only ordering only a drink.

3.When I am in a change room I tend to look at all the blemishes on my face and usually end up poking at least one – change rooms usually have amazing lighting and can point out the smallest flaw!

4.My favorite television show is Being Erica – DUH?!

5.I am currently trying to grow out my nails. I had a gel overlay put on top to stop me from biting. A week and a half down and I can see the white!

6.When I eat carrots I almost always get the hiccups.

7.I am a beauty junkie – I own enough products to fill three bathrooms. I am always surprised that the dude doesn’t whine more about the never ending flow of products coming into the house.

The awards are going out to the following amazing bloggers! Go give them some love!

1.Debbs at A Girl a Guy and a Tumour

2.Sunny Side Up at How Do You Like Your Eggs? Fertilized...

3.Chon at My Path to Insanity and Beyond - My TTC Journey

4.Jill at All Aboard the Pity Boat

5.To Those Who Wait

6. TLee at Mams T's Madcap Misadventures in Life and in Baby Making
7. Happy Mom Of 2 at Lost With Infertility in a Fertile World

8. Kat at Trying to Make 3

9. A Field of Dreams

10. Musings of a Wannabe Mommy

11. Me and You, Just Us - Two

12. Andrea at Single Canadian Mom by Choice

13. Arvin Family

14. Christina at The Subfertile Frugalista

15. Jenna at Among the Blossoms

If you made it to the bottom of this post congrats, this was like 3 posts in one! Have a great Monday everyone!

Love to you...

~Beckies De Lurker Days, Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are!~

2011-01-11T22:58:00.007-06:00

Hey Bloggies! How is your week going? I woke up today and as I was scrolling through and I noticed that last week was De Lurker week. Last year I swore that next year I wouldn’t miss it and alas look what happened?!

What the heck is de lurker week you ask? It is a time when a reader of a blog who would normally remain silent comes out to comment and let the blogger know they lurk around from time to time!

Since I missed last week I am officially declaring this week “Beckies De Lurker Days”!

As I approached my 100th post I took some time to reflect on how my blog has changed. One thought that kept coming back to me is how thankful I am to have each of you. This blog has been a true blessing and I cannot imagine not having all of your support through the tough days from last year! I have made some great internet friendships and the support I receive is AMAZING! It is my little corner of the world where I can come and be met with love and support whether I am sad, angry, happy, and ecstatic any time of the day you are here for me!

That being said there are probably a few lurkers in the midst and I wanna know who you are! Even if you are too shy to let me know how you are, a “hi” will suffice. If you leave a link to your blog I would love to come and see you in your corner of the net! It would be cool to know what brings you to my blog and a little about who you are.

As my followers have grown it has become harder to read all of your amazing blogs! I want to commit to start reading more of your blogs! So if you have been here and I have not followed you back or commented on your blog let me know and I promise I will make it there soon!

I am going to make it a little more appealing to hit that comment button! I will be putting together a basket of all my favorite things to give out to one of my readers and I promise it is going to be SPECTACULAR!!

That’s it guys, let “Beckies De Lurker Days” begin! I am so excited to meet you and if we have already met a chance to catch up with what has been going on with you!

Beckies De Lurker Days will be over January 19th, 2010 the draw for the prize will be announced the next day! Comment away I want to meet you all!

Love to you…

~Crazy News From a Girl Named Beckie~

2011-01-11T01:07:00.003-06:00

Hey Guys! I heard from the fertility clinic today, it is going to be another 3 months, wah wah! To be honest I wasn’t sad at all, actually it was nice to know that they had not forgot about me but mostly it still gives me time to improve myself, which is what I am trying REALLY hard to do.

The only bad new is because it has been over a year since starting this process I need to repeat all my tests! Which I might add includes the HSG. Now, it is not that I was really bothered by it but really who wants to sit in stirrups and get dye shoved into the uterus anyways?! O right, I forgot, it is something the infertiles LOVE to do – haha! I could actually hear the fear in the receptionist’s voice as she told me as if I was going to yell at her or something!

Tonight I was thinking it would be funny to post an ultrasound picture to my Facebook page and see what kind of responses I would get. I mean everyone is doing it right?! Then I thought to myself that would be cruel to so many, especially my mom who would inevitably call and then I would have to justify why I had done something so crazy! At that point everyone would definitely think I had gone over the edge! Thanks brain for kicking in on that one! In lou of the sweet baby ultrasound photo I put up a picture of an HSG x-ray, I mean c’mon, I wanna get in on that medical imaging action! Let’s see what people think of that – haha?! There is going to be a few “what the bleeps”! I am stating here and now I will be giving someone an award if they ask, “O how far along are you?”

There you have it. I am sitting in this place a little longer. Another three months to wait and ponder what the future has in store. Another 3 months to laugh at myself and the business of infertility, wanna join me? Have a great night peeps!

Love to you…

~"I Grind It Up, Roll Up a Page From Taking Charge Of Your Fertility And Snort It Off My OPK Box"~

2011-01-09T14:15:00.006-06:00

Happy Sunday guys! Once in awhile you find a rare gem on the internet. I found this the other day and I thought it was pretty awesome. Fertility girls, get ready to laugh your ass off!

Who comes up with this anyways? None the less I got a laugh and I hope you did to!

Love to you…

~Seriously - What The Bleep?!~

2011-01-05T23:34:00.003-06:00

Seriously people, seriously! How does this even happen?! Wait, I don’t need an answer for that one. I just want to say one thing…

The infertile is desperately trying to get pregnant, emptying their life savings, getting hopped up on various drugs and basically trying to get through each day unscathed.

Then you have these three identical blonde triplets who look like models with super rich husbands. There only concern, having babies at the same time! Oh if life were that easy I wouldn’t need a MasterCard!

Really this situation has nothing to do with me BUT I am going to be honest, it pisses me off! They obviously lived a charmed life – hey girls would you like to share some with the rest of us?

All I can say is life is interesting and seems incredibly backwards!

Love to you…

~2010 Is So Last Season~

2011-01-05T00:34:00.005-06:00

Hey guys, Happy New Years! What a great time to find hope and the desire to make this year better than the last. It seems everywhere you turn there is someone talking about resolutions and what they are going to change this year. I can bet that most people's lists would include one of the following...

Lose Weight
Spend Less, Save More
Eat healthier

Last year, just about to the day I was writing about starting the IVF path and it seems like I am in the exact same spot I was last year and I have come to the conclusion that this is just fine. The desire to learn and change is sewn deep inside of each of us. If we fail to change when necessary we will often sit frustrated hitting our heads against the wall till we have that life changing “a ha” moment!

I cannot recall one particular “a ha” moment that changed everything for me. It has been a slow and steady collection of ups, downs and everything in between. If one thing is true you can say that I am here and I survived 2010, an accomplishment in of itself! Even with the days when my mind thought I couldn't possibly do this for one more day.

One of the biggest area of growth I have seen in myself is the ability and need to find humour and acceptance in being “the barren one.” I am old school barren, like in the Bible, yo! I have a story that I wanted to share with you, it may turn out being one of those stories that was way funnier in person but what the bleep, here goes! We'll start this story with a picture of the Dude and I at Swiss Chalet...

After over indulging in our Christmas feast the dude and I decided that we needed to do it all over again at New Years. My family was in Edmonton so we decided to join them. A trip to Edmonton would not be complete without a classic meal from Swiss Chalet, which for those of you who do not know, Swiss Chalet is the most delicious chicken joint. My family is large, loud and loves to visit.

Naturally at the restaurant we needed our own section for our posse of 20 people. This meant we were kinda split up. After our meal a family friend approached the table I had not seen in years. This was obviously also true for my mom who was very eager to share what was going on in her life. I sat there candidly listening to ever word she spoke.

“Well my son T and his wife J have two beautiful babies, Lily is 3 years and Tayo is 1 and a half. Then she looks over at me and points. Do you remember my daughter Beckie? She married Kevin and well...they have a health food store.”

I cracked up. I raised my voice and said “yes indeed, infertile and barren but don't worry I gotta a health food store.” The whole table erupted in laughter. My claim to fame...a health food store, my sweet baby health food store!

This year as you stare down the list of changes you wanna make in your life just remember to not only look at what you wanna change, but also, take the time to appreciate how far you've come and the positive gifts in your life right now! We cannot appreciate the future without the past!

No resolutions for me this year, I am simply cherishing my Dude and the beautiful baby health food store we have been blessed with! Here's to an EPIC 2011, I am truly wishing it brings each and everyone of you closer to your dreams!

Love to you...

~Avoiding a Bah, Humbug Christmas ~

2010-12-16T19:37:00.006-06:00

Hey Bloggies! I am looking at my calendar and I just cannot believe it is almost Christmas…9 days to be exact! The Dude and I have had a history of bad Christmas’ and so we have decided that this the year is going to be one for the record books. As I was working today I saw a message in my junk mail that caught my attention.

The Single Life: Avoiding a Bah, Humbug Christmas

It came from a website I used to frequent when I was single. It brought me back to that time when I longed to find the one for me, my soul mate. I have often thought that being single and the longing for a husband is a lot like the struggle with infertility. It definitely poses some of the same questions and can bring about the same sense of hopelessness. So in my mind, when I read the title I thought “hey maybe this could apply to me” and you know what, I was right!

My FAVORITE quote from the article evoked a lot of emotion in me…

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." E.M. Forster

How powerful is that?!?!

You wanna read it now don’t cha? The article was written by Susan Ellingburg who blogs at Tasting God, you can find her blog here. If you want to be old school and read the original you can find the link here. I hope you enjoy the article and relate to it as much as I did!

The Single Life: Avoiding a Bah, Humbug Christmas

Susan Ellingburg

Many Christmases ago now, my family was living in Alabama while I spent the holiday on my own in Texas. I don't remember now why that happened, probably a lack of travel funds and/or available time off, but the point is they were all there and I was all alone here. My parents thoughtfully shipped my presents—which were delivered to a random stranger in Mississippi, thanks to a confused pack-and-ship store manager.

It was not the happiest of holidays.

If this were a traditional Christmas story, I would now wax poetic about how I learned to focus on the true meaning of the season, shared my holiday with someone less fortunate, and still cherish the memory of that year as the best ever. Honestly? It was miserable. I was lonely, frustrated, and thankful when it was all over.

I share that story as a cautionary tale: Christmas can be, as the song says, "the most wonderful time of the year" or it can be the saddest season of all. Fortunately, as I've learned since that long-ago Yuletide, the choice is up to us.

When it come to cranky Christmas-ers, no one tops Ebenezer Scrooge. (He was single, too, by the way.) Scrooge's holiday plans, such as they were, were rudely interrupted by visits from a parade of ghosts. If we're not careful, those same ghosts can haunt our own holidays. What? Did I hear a faint "Bah, humbug" coming from the cheap seats? Fine, we'll just look at each of Scrooge's three ghostly visitors and ponder the pitfalls they represent.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

In A Christmas Carol, this ghost provides a mini biography of young Scrooge's life and gives him the chance to see where he went wrong. Ol' Ebenezer was pretty clueless, so this was quite a useful exercise in self-awareness. (Plus, it was a handy way for Dickens to bring us up to speed on Scrooge's backstory.)

For us, spending too much time in the past can cause more harm than good. It's so tempting to sigh over the way things were in happier times and get all melancholy over the difference between then and now. It doesn't help that the "good old days" tend to get rosier in our memories than they ever were at the time.

Even if your previous celebrations were practically perfect, things are not the way they were. (They never are.) They won't ever be exactly that way again. That's just the way life works. There's certainly nothing wrong with reminiscing, but spending too much time in the past is a waste of the present. Speaking of which ...

The Ghost of Christmas Present

Maybe you'd rather be somewhere else this year ... or with someone else ... or with anyone at all. Fair enough; most everyone goes through those seasons. The question is not so much "where would you rather be now" as "what are you going to do with your now?"

Psalm 139:16 says, "All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." That includes today, the entire holiday season, even that dreaded "couples only" night, New Year's Eve. If God planned all these days for you—and he says he did—do you think he might just have an idea about what he wants you to do with those days?

I really do not want to hurt your feelings, but may I gently suggest that maybe—just maybe—this season isn't about you? I was reminded of that myself earlier today. This afternoon I wrote out my Christmas list which, since I don't have any immediate family or a significant other, is an exercise in futility. (Who do I think I'm going to give it to?) Only later did it occur to me that I'm going about it all wrong: Instead of making a list of things I want, maybe I should ask Jesus what he'd like from me. It is his birthday, after all.
The Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come

This one can be a real problem for singles, and not just at Christmas. I've known so many who put their lives on hold until their true love showed up. True confession: I've been guilty of that myself back in the day. What a waste of time that was. Sadly, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of "someday."

Someday my home will be beautifully decorated. Someday I'll have friends over for a wonderful holiday party. Someday I'll . . . Why wait? As E.M. Forster said, "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Every day is a new opportunity to show up. Make the most of now—it's a lot more fun that way.

In the years since the "poor, pitiful me" Christmas described earlier, I've taken my holidays into my own hands. These days I organize an annual outing to a nearby holiday home tour and host a Christmas Eve taco dinner at my house. (Christmas Eve tacos are a tradition in my family.)

This year I'm adding a New Year's Eve slumber party to the list. I got tired of going to bed early or being the odd one out at parties when everyone else was smooching as the clock struck midnight. So, I'm having a houseful of friends over for food, games, movies, and general hilarity. Why not? They're not doing anything either. We might as well all do it together.

A Happy Ending?

Remember what Scrooge vowed after his encounter with the spirits? He promised, "I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." It's a good goal. I think I'll try that myself this year. Will you join me?

God bless us, every one.

What did you think? It's pretty awesome if you ask me.

Love to you...

~Forever Moving Forward~

2010-12-12T12:07:00.004-06:00

Hello Bloggies! It has been far too long, I feel as if I have fallen off the face of the earth. I have been in a funny stage of this whole shenanigan. A stage of never ending changes and the acceptance of new ideas. It has been a crazy month with work, home and infertility. I can now say that I am more content about everything. I have been thinking a lot about our life without children. What that would feel and look like. It just feels like it's never going to happen and to be honest my heart, my mind and my soul need a break from the constant “baby nagging” voice in my head.

We set up the Christmas tree last night and as always it's an exciting time. You get to pull out ornaments that have meaning and significance. It was this year and every year I have thought and yearned for a baby's first Christmas ornament to be pulled out from that box. Each passing year brings a new kind of disappointment, however I can say this, as time goes on it's getting easier. This year marks our 3rd year of infertility and in my mind I wonder what it will bring.

I dream for a baby but mostly I dream of being content and happy in my little corner of the world. I had coffee with a very good friend the other night and she was talking about how she is embracing the family she has (which is her husband and 2 cats) this holiday season! How many times have I heard “now we're a real family” after the first baby is born. I think in that sentence I have often gotten lost in thinking that until we have kid's were not a complete family and that just isn't true.

It's impossible not to think of babies this season because after all, Jesus was a baby! I am working hard at being thankful for my family, my friends, the amazing Dude and the many blessings I have been given. At my counseling appointment the other day my counselor said something that intrigued me. My counselor said “Beckie, this is a tough road but I want you to do one thing. Think of suffering as your friend and not your enemy.” She explained that suffering can bring us to new places of enlightenment and propel us to greater things in our life.

It is an interesting thought and if I look back I can see that suffering has made me more thankful and more humble than I had ever been before. I am not saying I think we should always suffer but in some cases it allows us to see the other side of the story. It teaches and molds us all into the people we are today.

So here I am, in my own space trying to make it through everyday. Searching for my purpose and trying to find the hope that one day this will all work out as planned. I found this Chinese proverb that for today spoke to me...

“If you get up one more time than you fall you will make it through.”

Love to you...

~The Grass Seems Greener~

2010-11-25T01:13:00.003-06:00

Heya Bloggies! Happy Thursday to you, and for all my American friends....Happy Thanksgiving! Yesterday I dedicated the evening to finishing off my Christmas shopping, have I ever mentioned I love Christmas shopping! I was armed with a Starbucks caramel brulee latte in one hand and cash in the other, I had a goal and I was determined to spoil all the special people in my life. In the midst of all my holiday bliss I saw lots of people but only one stood out.

The lady I saw was in her mid thirties, gorgeous in figure and just plain beautiful! Shopping with her was a little girl who was enjoying twirling and dancing as her father watched. The jealous side of me came out in full force immediately...I mean the woman looked like she was from a magazine, has a beautiful girl and a pretty fine husband.

As I looked at all the ornaments that I could add to my collection they drew closer and I heard something that gave me a shock. Any judgment I had passed on this beautiful family was gone. I watched the lady pick up three angel wings and lovingly say to her husband with sadness in her eyes “let's buy these to remember the babies.”

Did she just say that, like did that really happen? I get lost in myself sometimes, self centered and unsympathetic to those around me. I assume one thing when it's the other. At first I did judge them, I was jealous of what they had and I was wrong. They probably had trouble conceiving that little girl. They obviously have or had problems carrying a pregnancy. There journey could have a million stories!

I left that situation feeling humbled. The last couple weeks for me has been rough and although they have been tough I cannot imagine the pain or sadness of losing a child. A child you want, hope and pray for daily. A child you love so deeply it hurts. To all those people who have lost a child I am in awe of the courage and strength that you take to face the everyday! To me you are a hero!

This situation reminded me that the grass always seems greener on the other side. If you take a closer look sometimes things aren't as they appear. Their story is one I will never know but one that will stay with me forever.

Have a great Thanksgiving guys! I am thankful for each and everyone of you beautiful people!

Love to you...

~Is Gambling...I Mean Infertility Affecting Your Priorities~

2010-11-22T02:13:00.005-06:00

Have you ever heard the slogan “Is gambling affecting your priorities?” That ad runs around my part of town pretty often. I never have related to that statement, I like a evening of gambling every now and again, but affect my priorities, no so much. I have been feeling really up tight lately about work, friends and literally just about anything you can think of. I feel like infertility is swallowing me whole! When I heard that ad today all I could think of is...

“Is infertility affecting your priorities?”

That is an answer I can give a resounding YES! I have not felt this way since sometime last year and it feels like I am falling into a depressed state, which if you have been depressed you know it SUCKS! Yesterday we were out and I saw two pregnant ladies and just started to cry. This is new because up until this point when I saw a pregnant lady I could still smile and I could still say hi. Now I take one look and I wanna head the other way.

How do I overcome such sadness, such disappointment? It is negatively affecting my life in a above average kinda way. My marriage, my friends and my family. When I talk to someone I feel like I have a big mark on my head and they are just waiting for me to talk about infertility. I feel that is all I talk about anymore. I talk about it because it was the only plan I had for my life! Sheesh - I obviously did not listen to my parents when they said “don't put all your bags in one basket!”

So here I sit tonight, totally honest and totally lost!

I do not have fears about being lost, I have and will always find my way back. I am however worried about the journey. I know there are going to be LOTS of more hardships, more relationships that will fail. I am living moment to moment waiting for everything to crumble around me. I really liked my life a couple of years ago, I always thought that life got better and better and right now that just isn't the case. I guess the real question I am going to need to search for is “how do you remain happy while being completely restless?”

My friends aren't the same, my marriage isn't the same, my life isn't the same and I cannot help but feel that infertility is the common factor in all the above. I am going to go to my doctor and or naturopath and see what they think. I have a feeling I will end up on some sort of anti depressant.

Infertility in itself sucks and is a rocky road but for me it is taking over my life and most importantly it is stealing all my happiness. I have tried to fight this before without help and I ended up in a even darker place than I am today. I am hoping with some counseling and some form of vitamin or pill I will be back on track and loving life again. Life is meant to be lived and right now there is not a lot of “life” left in me!

Now if it were only this easy, this conversation just wouldn't be happening!!

Love to you...

~Is This The Hill You Wanna Die On?~

2010-11-15T03:09:00.004-06:00

Sleep...it is what I should be doing right now. Instead I was awoken by a grumbling tummy and my mind being unusually active for this time of night. I laid in bed thinking about past November's. I can hardly believe it has been a year since my HSG test. I can remember thinking that was going to solve everything, boy was I wrong! When I re-read my post I could feel the chipperness in my voice, chipperness that I just don't have anymore.

There has been so much I have learned through this journey. I want it to be over so bad but I have this nagging suspicion that for some reason I am supposed to be here. I need to learn more, I am missing something. Maybe this thought is protecting my sanity, I mean who wants to go through being devoured by an idea and getting shit on everyday?

Have you ever had a time like that in your life? When you just couldn't figure out why and then viola something fixes the situation or you see it more clearly only to understand why it didn't happen in the first place. I feel angered to be put in this situation by life but in the same breathe I am also thankful because maybe it is something that I need to wait for, something that I just cannot see.

This week visiting my niece and nephew has caused a fair share of heartaches in the baby making department. Can't I just buy this experience already, like for realz! It is heartbreaking to think about what I am missing and what might never be. I try to be patient but the idea and the thought consumes me daily. I think my mind could literally attribute or turn every situation into something about babies, pregnancy or motherhood making it IMPOSSIBLE to brush it off.

The one thing I have recently been saying to myself is “Life is in Session!” Meaning, do not take another minute wasting it on things you cannot change and focus on the things you can. This is one hard task and by no way shape or form have I mastered this simple yet challenging phrase. I do however believe that with the new year fast approaching this will become my mantra!

As I face struggles, frustrations, triumphs and pitfalls I will have to pick myself up and try again. I will have to repeat this process over and over and over until I come to a place where I have gotten what I wanted or maybe I will have just given up. My dad with whom I am so thankful to have in my life will often say to me “Beckie is this the hill you want to die on?”

I guess that is the only real question to answer in life – is this the hill I wanna die on? We sometimes forget we have a voice and a choice. Each day we can choose to live or die. My answer to this questions is, nope, sure don't, not today. I'm going to keep fighting, keep struggling and most of all keep working towards my dream! Wanna join me?

O God, I am going to quote Being Erica AGAIN...I can't help it, it is just way too fitting!

"They say that the greatest mistake is giving up. That true strength lies in the will to keep trying. Keep hoping things will get better. Keep reminding yourself of what you have accomplished. Keep everything in perspective. Keep up the fight because at the end of the day that's what your left with. The knowledge that you did your best and that you'll wake up tomorrow and try again."

Freakin' crazy journey, one day I am going to laugh in your face jerk!

Love to you...

~The Epic Parent Fail…Wait a Sec I Mean Epic Aunty Fail~

2010-11-10T14:05:00.003-06:00

Hey Guys! I am in the booming metropolis of Carlyle and I am finally on Vacation! This week has been filled with lots of relaxing and hanging out with my family. My parents, brother and his wife all live here so it makes it ideal to visit everyone at once! As always one of my favorite parts of coming to Carlyle is visiting with my niece and nephew. They are both so special to me and it is hard to resist there cuteness!

I decided this morning instead of daycare for the two little tykes I would lend a hand and babysit. This would give me some one on one time with them which is always a treat! In this short amount of time I have learned how hard it can be to have a three year old and a one year old at the same time! The epic fail started a little like this…

My niece L wanted to invite Grandpa to Subway for lunch. I thought hey that would be fun, kind of like a field trip. After watching Veggie Tales Pirates I told L we had to get baby T ready to go. Away I went getting the baby ready and a quick diaper change, no sooner did I get the diaper off I hear L saying Aunty Beckie I had an accident. I looked around the corner and there was L standing there with wet jeans. Perhaps I should have listened to her this morning when she told me she did not like wearing jeans. I discovered that it is hard for a 3 year old to get the button undone on jeans with time to make it for a much needed pee!

Now I was not only dressing baby T but I also had to wrangle the energetic L at the same time. I swear L would have gone to Subway nude cause she did not like anything I picked out. I did however love her choice of accessory, a pink tutu for over her jeans, so girly and so cute! We were finally ready nothing else could go wrong right?! It just so happens that this not only happens in the movies but in real life, as we are walking out the door baby in hand L says “Aunty Beckie I have to go to the washroom”! As previously discussed we all know what happens when we don’t get that taken care of, so off came the boots and L made a quick trip to lou!

After the washroom we were on a roll, nothing else could go wrong, I mean Subway is 5 minutes away! I put baby T on the driver’s seat as I put L in her car seat. I had buckled her in, shut the door and went to grab baby T. Well guess what happened next…

When I shut the door it locked, I looked at baby T giggling with the key in his hand. Yup I definitely just locked my niece and nephew in the car. It is not even my car, it is my parents. I do not have access to an extra set of keys. I frantically called my dad who luckily works only a few blocks for where we were.

Here I was trying to entertain two kids in a locked car. At this point I was trying to get L to open the door. She thought the situation was funny and was laughing at me through the window. The baby was excited to be pushing any button he wanted! He was looking at me through the window and you could just tell he was like “Aunty B why are you outside?” It was at this time I felt like a knob…Epic Aunty Fail!

When my sister in law pulled up for lunch I knew I know would have to share my HUGE fail with her. Lucky for me she just started laughing. Being the smart mom she is she said to baby T “look at the buttons, press the buttons.” As my dad pulled up baby T hit the un- lock button and everyone was safe and saved! In reality this event was only about 10 minutes but to me it felt like forever! I am so glad the kids were not crying and I did not traumatize them!

We made it to Subway with no further incidence, thank god! A few things that Beckie learnt today….

1. Listen to the 3 year old, occasionally they know what they are talking about
2. Never put down your keys in the care especially when kids are in the car
3. Being a mom of a one and three year old takes PATIENCE

There you have it “Aunty Beckies Epic Fail 2010”! Hats off to my sister in law who does it with style and patience and any other mom’s out there juggling two kiddos!

I just read them a story and they are both fast asleep, thank god for naptime this Aunty is tired!

Love to you…

~For The Love of Being Erica Giveaway~

2010-11-01T11:50:00.008-06:00

Happy Thursday bloggies! It is hard to believe that another week has come and gone. Sometimes the weeks seems to tick on by slowly but when I think about it in reality it is actually zooming. It was this time last year I started my blog and I am so thankful I did. I have met so many wonderful people through the blogging community and in a sense it has given me new life. A life where I now feel like I fit somewhere. I am not sure where I would be if that decision was not made but I am guessing I would feel more lost, more lonely and more in despair.

Enough about that, a year of blogging is worth having it's own post entirely. Onto other things like my trip to Calgary and The Friendly Friends giveaway.

As many of you know I am a BIG fan of the TV show Being Erica. You can click on the description below to access the Being Erica website.

“It is about a young women Named Erica Strange who is a Thirty-two years old and nowhere near her proper life path, Erica gets to work on understanding where she went wrong in her past with the help of Dr. Tom. In each episode, Erica relives a part of her past that she regrets and has the chance to do it again the right way.”

There are so many ideas and themes that I relate to in this show. I will often say to friends that there is a Being Erica ism for everything in life. It has helped me look at myself, my regrets and what I would do differently if given the choice. I feel kinda corny saying this, but seeing her character succeed through everything gives me hope and reminds me that today is just today and tomorrow is filled with opportunity and promise to change!

It also promotes being responsible for yourself and your actions. In society today there is a HUGE lack of personal responsibility. Everything is always someone else's fault. Being Erica is about looking at yourself and not others, something I and a lot of other people on this earth should practice a little more often. Of course this is all in my humble opinion!

Why am I blogging about Being Erica you ask? Well I had entered a contest to be apart of a question and answer cocktail with two of the main characters, Erin Karpluk and Adam Fergus. To my shock and excitement I won! I could hardly believe it when I got the email. No more than 3.5 seconds after reading it I picked up the phone and called the Dude, at this point I was pretty much shouting exclaiming to him “I am going to Calgary to Meet Erin!!!!” I found out I won on Wednesday and by Friday morning my bestie and I were off to Calgary celebing it up!

On our way to dinner our car would not start. This was so stressful because this was the only reason we came and it looked like we may miss the event! The once in a lifetime opportunity was going to be gone. I tired to keep a positive attitude but I was stressing! We got there and they were also running late, which was perfect!

We got settled into the intimate gathering of about 20 people and the Bellini's were flowing. They answered all of our questions and were so friendly. Afterward they made time to chat with everyone about there life and what they liked about the show. I did not think I could fall in love with this show more but I did. I have met many other celebrities but nothing has come close to the kindness of these two! Here is a pic of Erica, Me and Adam.

Now that I am all worked up about Being Erica I think you should join in on the excitement! So guess what...I am going to do another giveaway! Woot Woot!

Here's the deal, I will be giving the box sets of Season 1 and Season 2 in a giveaway entitled “For the Love of Being Erica” - here's how you can bring home the epicness which is Being Erica!

1.Become a follower of Beckie's Infertility Journey! (1 Entry)

2.Post a comment about why you think you would like the television show Being Erica (1 Entry)

3.For an additional 5 entries post something about this giveaway on your blog and let all your friends know about For the Love of Being Erica Giveaway! Let me know you have done this so I can keep track of the extra entries!

If you already follow Beckies Infertility Journey just complete step #2 and if you want the extra entries step #3 and that's it.

The “For the Love of Being Erica Giveaway” will run until November 15th, 2010!!!!!

For everyone else who has been patiently waiting to see who won the “Friendly Friends Giveaway” I have some good news! The winner is....

#5 - Hydrant Girl

Congrats Hydrant Girl, send me your info to beckiesinfertile@live.ca and I will send out your prize!

I gotta get to bed because apprarently I am heading to the gym tomorrow, I mean today, at 7am!

~Friendly Friends Giveaway Deadline~

2010-10-30T13:29:00.002-06:00

Hey Guys! How is your weekend going? Mine has been splendid thus far. Are you dressing up for Halloween? I was going to be Octo Mom but didn’t have time to put together a costume that made sense. So, here are my thoughts…maybe next year I will be Octo Mom and no costume will be necessary - HAHAHAHA!

Just a reminder that my Friendly Friends contest end’s tomorrow. You can find all the details here, that Visa gift card has your name on it.

Enjoy Halloween or whatever you had planned this weekend!

Love to you…

~Best Sweater Ever...I Promise~

2010-10-24T23:43:00.006-06:00

Hey Bloggies! How are ya?! I just got back from an incredible girls weekend and I am tired! Tomorrow is my day off so I am going to be catching up on blogs and writing about ALL my adventures because there were plenty! I really cannot wait to go away again SOON! But before that...

When I got home there was something pretty special in the mailbox for me and I thought I would share it with you. It is pretty much awesome!

Ta Da – isn't it wonderful? Obviously I love it!

Have a great Monday everybody and if you have not entered the Friendly Friends Giveaway you should do it now! You can find all the juicy details here.

Love to you...

~Why Do I Continually...~

2010-10-18T17:52:00.003-06:00

Go into the baby section. I walk around like I have some business to accomplish there, I don't. My niece and nephew do not even fit into baby clothes anymore, so that's out as well. I see “real” mothers looking at me and I swear they can tell I'm a big FAKE!

As I was looking around with my friend commenting how cute everything is and how I would love to be able to buy baby clothes I quietly thought to myself “Why do I do this to myself”! It is painful on a good day and all it makes me do is question. Question my life now and what the future holds for us. It makes me feel insecure about where I am and where I want to be. It makes me feel like this dream is within my grasp but somehow always just a little too far to reach.

Today though I have an answer. It may not be a good one, but it is the only one I got. I guess I could brush it off as self torture but as an infertile I think I do that enough! Here is my earth shattering discovery...

Looking at baby clothes is the only tangible extension I have to motherhood. Seeing items that are related to a baby are helpful because it allows my mind to dream, hope and wonder what that experience will be like. Of course I could hang out with real babies but they will NEVER be mine, which changes the experience. It sounds weird but looking at baby items somehow fills some of the void to have children. It allows myself to go there because although painful it still brings out hope that one day that will be me pushing around a baby. So here I was in Old Navy looking at little socks and winter vests and doing a little dreaming.

No sooner than I got home it hit me of what I had just done. I feel sad and scared that this will never be us. When we first started trying over two years ago I purchased 2 baby bodysuits. At that time I was with friends who were going to try really soon. I distinctly remember saying “hey if I don't have a baby by then you two can have them” and within a few months they were both pregnant. Although I remember saying those words those 2 shirts are collecting dust in my closest because they have become a memory. I have held onto them, they remind me of a time when I could still laugh about not being able to get pregnant. I am bound and determined to put a baby in them. At this point if the doctor told me it was impossible for us to have children I think I would rather burn them than see another baby wear them. Does that make any sense at all?!

Looking at baby items seems harmless but in reality it is a double edged sword. It makes me feel hopeful for the future but at the same time it makes me scared that we will never experience that joy and continue to feel this heartbreak. I suppose my conclusion is...

“Your damned if you do and your damned if you don't” - Really this could be the new slogan for infertility! Do you baby browse?

Love to you...

~The Friendly Friends Giveaway~

2010-10-13T19:35:00.004-06:00

A few days ago I was blogging about the balance between fertile and infertile friends; you can read about that post here. There was some great discussion about friends so I thought I would do a giveaway in celebration of the real and true friends we all have!

As I said yesterday cherish your friends, especially the ones who stand by you, they are a true and rare gift! I found this quote and it was quite fitting.

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway."

~ Jerome Cummings

In celebration of friends I am giving away a friendship bracelet and a $35.00 Visa gift card, a gift you and your bestie can enjoy! You could go to a movie, dinner or get a questionable pedicure!

The bracelet reads - "Making a friend takes a moment, being a friend takes a lifetime"

How do you win you ask?!

1. Become a follower of Beckie's Infertility Journey! (1 Entry)

2. Post a comment about your best friend and how she has helped you through your fertility journey or a hard time in your life! (1 Entry)

3. For an additional 5 entries post something about this giveaway on your blog and let all your friends know about Friendly Friends Giveaway! Let me know you have done this so I can keep track of the extra entries!

If you already follow Beckies Infertility Journey just complete step #2 and if you want the extra entries step #3 and that's it.

The draw for the “The Friendly Friends Giveaway” will run until October 31, 2010!!!!!

Have a great hump day everyone and perhaps in the name of fertility you should do what hump day was originally named for, I’m just saying…

Love to you...

~Friend or Foe? Understanding The Delicate Balance of Infertility and Friendship~

2010-10-12T02:31:00.006-06:00

Have we not all had an experience with a friend that has become a memorable part of the infertility journey? I know I have had my fair share of experiences so far! Good or bad our friendships remain to be one of the most important aspects of keeping sane through this whole process. It is our good true friends that hold us up when we cannot imagine going on another day. It is the people we look to when we need a bit of sunshine on a rainy day.

I can say that in my life I have had plenty of friendships. I am a very social person who often initiates conversation and will ask a stranger out for coffee. I am loving by nature and I have a need to please. I treat my best friends like family and I have learned to cherish these people as they truly are a rare gift!

It is always safe to assume that with any relationship there will be challenges. It is in how these challenges are faced that ultimately determine the fate of a relationship. I can say that dealing with infertility has put the most stress on my friendships than any other situation in my life. I have drawn lines and it has placed boundaries on who I can and cannot be friends with.

If you haven't guessed it I am talking about the direct relationship between an infertile and someone who is either pregnant or a mom. Of all the stories I hear about friends and in my life this is the two groups that are most affected. I of course can only blog from the perspective of infertility, if you are a mom or pregnant please throw in any thoughts from your perspective.

I think for most women it starts here...

You are married and will probably find yourself in your 20 or 30's and have decided that the time is right. You are coming off the pill and you are going to start building your family, your life and your future. Coincidentally so are the majority of any couple friends you may have. After all this is the time when people are having babies. If you look at the facts, 1 in 4 couples will struggle with infertility. As you talk about it with your friends everyone is worried that they will be the “marked” one. As the months go by, friend after friend has conceived a baby and the infertile couple is left in the dust.

It is at this time small little cracks start to appear. The infertile is happy for the friend but inside is dying. It becomes increasingly more important to become pregnant and to put it simply belong, belong in a group of friends where she used to have so much in common with. It is at these beginning stages that I now feel either makes or breaks the relationship.

When you look at infertility and pregnancy you are looking at two very aggravated states. The infertile is going through emotional pain, loss and grief. The pregnant women is going through hormonal shifts, bodily changes and preparing for her life to change forever. The two opposites naturally put a small wedge in between the friends. It has now become harder to find commonality and these friends have to actually work at the friendship.

I can remember the first time I felt that I had become the outsider. We were at a group gathering where someone had just announced they were expecting. That night I watched those girls talk about pregnancy, motherhood and how great everything is. It literally felt like hours, I sat and watched with a lump in my throat knowing that I did not belong. I felt like an outsider and I was so jealous and upset that I no longer fit. From that night on I slowly pulled away from anything to do with pregnancy and motherhood. It was to painful knowing that I no longer belonged but in my mind it was self preservation.

The longer pregnancy and infertility goes on the more aggravated they both become. The infertile women is becoming increasingly sensitive to others comments especially parents and pregnant women. Our society is obsessed with pregnancy and kids. There is huge social pressure placed on couples to have children, it is considered the next step and the thing to do. With so many social mediums the infertile is bombarded with pregnancy announcements, ultrasound photos, first birthday pictures and status updates like this one...

I am a cook, a housekeeper, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a nurse, a handy man, a maid, security, physcologist and a comforter. I don't get holidays, sick pay, or a day off, I work through the day and some of the night, I am under paid and over worked now tell me that YOUR job is harder then mine. Repost this if you're a MOM!

EVERYTIME an infertile person reads or sees a statement like this it is cutting reminder of what they do not have. Infertility is not just about not being able to have a baby it is a loss about everything that you thought your life would be. So here we are in a place where the other persons problem is foreign to us. The fertile does not understand the infertile and vice versa. When a friend cannot separate her situation from yours it becomes disaster.

BOTH parties need to show empathy and love in the face of two very different situations. Two situations the other does not understand. My friends that I have had forever love me no matter what. They see my situation for what it is, which is hard and at best one big suck fest. They will sit and listen to me bitch about how life is unfair and sometimes how pregnant and people with children piss me off. Not the person themselves but the situations and the comments. They do not get offended by what I say. They understand that I am not talking about them but about the real situations I see and how they effect someone who is unable to have a child. They understand that this journey is about me.

Friends will come and go, this is life. Cherish the ones who can listen to the biggest rant ever and still say I love you. Cherish the ones who will support you through anything without making it about them. Being infertile sucks, and yes pregnancy and motherhood is hard but at the end of the day you have a baby, something good to look forward to. If your friend cannot support you during this time because her situation is vastly different then it is probably time to reevaluate your friendship and move on.

To all of my BESTEST friends, I LOVE YOU! You have supported me more than you know!

Love to you...

*Edited to add...I'm now doing a Friendly Friend Giveaway, you can find the contest here...*

~Acceptance, Accomplishment and Love~

2010-10-03T14:48:00.004-06:00

O lazy day Sunday’s, I love you! This morning I slept in, made myself a great breakfast and sat in the warm sunshine sipping on my coffee. It is so nice just to sit in the peacefulness of a relaxing day and do nothing. It is times like this that will get me through this whole mess! Now I am off for coffee with some of my “infertile” friends. Man I love these girls. I am so blessed to have found wonderful friends who live in the city to share this journey with me!

Yesterday while I was doing cash out at the store I noticed this $5.00 bill…

I love the simplicity of what Tristan wrote and how it affects each and every one of us. At the deepest part of our being we want the world to know we exist. We want to be able to accomplish something significant. We want to be loved. We need to feel acceptance.

In a world where people are obsessed with themselves it is harder to find that spot where we fit. I feel this with infertility. Not being able to have a baby in a society which strongly endorses the idea places a big mark on you. It makes you feel insignificant and makes you questions where you belong.

Today I just wanted to tell all the women struggling with infertility that YOU have unique gifts, abilities and a place where you fit. You are very loved by many and appreciated by more. Your life has significant value no matter if someone calls you mom or not. You are special and worth way more than you think.

Today I wanted to tell you that I appreciate each and every one of you and the gift you have brought to the world! Thanks for being my friends when I did not know where I fit or where I belonged. The blogging community is AMAZING and I am so blessed to have found you!

Love to you…

~Blog Hop and Opinions Needed~

2010-09-30T21:50:00.003-06:00

I have never done a blog hop, so here I go! If you never have done one either why not give it a try? It should be fun right? You can click here to find the link...

Also I wanted your help with something. I am planning on doing a post next week on the relationship problems between friends where one is fertile and the other infertile. Why is it so difficult to see the other person's perspective? I would appreciate your stories, good and bad about the experiences you've had in dealing with this common relationship challenge.

Well I am off to finish my laundry, woot woot! Actually if I was being honest the thought of going through an egg retrieval right now sounds a heck of lot better than laundry. I hate laundry, is it ever done?! Rant over!

Have a great weekend friends, relax and enjoy!

Love to you...

~Pregnant Women Are Smug~

2010-09-27T21:35:00.002-06:00

Hey guys! I was perusing my friends website and I stumbled across this video. Have you ever seen this?! These two girls make up funny songs about EVERYTHING. After this you should you tube them! I got a good laugh out of it and I hope you do as well!

Cheers to the lovely pregnant women in the world and here's to hoping that this is my year to be smug in pregnancy! Enjoy!

Love to you...

~IVF Consult Day = Amazingly Excited!~

2010-09-26T12:03:00.004-06:00

Hey Bloggies! I hope you are taking time to enjoy yourselves this weekend. All this IF stuff is STRESSFUL!

I just wanted to give a shout out to Michelle, you can find her blog here. In the last couple of days her IVF cycle was canceled. Go over and give her some encouragement, she is a wonderful lady and when I read it, I was so bummed for her!

This weekend we made the long 6 hour journey to Calgary. I brought along the Dude (of course I did) and of my friend that had friends in Calgary. The trip felt like it took forever! Well, not on the way there because we left at 8am and I pretty much slept in the car till 11:30 but the way home was long! We played trivia on my phone and we also invented a new game to play in the car. When a song came on the radio we had to guess which year it was released. Of course I would say that I won but in reality the Dude and I tied.

The weekend consisted of a few things..

1.An information session regarding IVF.
2.Tests, tests and more tests!
3.A visit with the doctor, a nurse, and a psychologist.
4.Having some fun time together!

I am not going to lie, the 3 hour information session was terribly boring! It was packed with all the information I already knew. Since I have been blogging for just about a year I have learned a thing or two in regards to ART treatments. The Dude said he found it to be very helpful and it cleared up a few issues for himself. The doctor mostly conducted the meeting and had a super dry sense of humor.

Everyone was waiting for him to start talking about the risk of multiples and he saved that for the end. He put a photo just like this on the screen:

and said “of course with IVF there is a higher risk that you will become pregnant with twin Chinese girls.”

The Dude and I LOVED his sense of humor and so did most of the audience!

We of course were also both subjected to a series of tests including blood work, ultrasounds and a few that I won't mention here but any seasoned IF'er would know just what I am talking about. Bottom line, no tests are fun but they are a means to an end. All came up fairly clear so we were given the go ahead!

I was actually surprised about the visit with our doctor. He was caring and compassionate. He talked with us for over an hour about the various aspects of IVF, he talked about our health and how our current conditions may be affected. This was a surprise to me because when the whole debate was happening the other day I heard several people say RE's do not care about the individual they just want your money. Being an adult you have to understand that yes, he is doing this as a career and money is exchanged for his services. However you can tell he cares and has the backs of his patients, not just his pocket book! I was impressed.

It was after the meeting with the doctor that I started to get antsy, being a go go person I wanted to do something different so we took this picture...

Good thing no one else came in as this was being taken, they may have sent me straight to the looney bin! Haha!

We filled out some more papers and talked to the psychologist about the emotional toll IVF can have on us personally as well as a couple. Overall the Dude and I have talked in length about most things she brought up and are feeling confident in each other and the program.

It was at this point they told us that we were accepted. We could go ahead with treatment. Music to my ears. I was so happy and excited! This chapter in our life is really beginning. I do not know if in the end this will bring us our baby (I hope it does) but it will take us on new adventure and remind us that this journey doesn't stop and we are moving forward with our dream to be parents!

They said the waiting list is about 3 months, which will put us right around January! I am so happy and excited – this almost seems surreal to me! I have waited for this well since last November and right now I am feeling incredibly grateful and blessed! You guys have helped me through it. You were my life line when things were tough and I couldn't see the light, THANK YOU!

As for having fun together we went to the Dude's favorite restaurant, The Olive Garden. He just loves that place! I am not sure why, I mean the food is good but nothing special. I of course was more than happy to oblige, he is wonderful to me and anything I can do to make his day I will do it! Any day, any time! After that he took me shopping and I got a new watch, purse and shirt. He picked out the new Settlers of Catan game and he is now anxiously awaiting to have a guys game night! The rest of the time we hung out by the pool and just relaxed.

Although as unconventional as IVF may seem, I am starting to settle into the idea and it feels like the right place to be.

Love to you...

~The Endless Story of What I Have Tried~

2010-09-24T01:27:00.004-06:00

Well hello bloggies! The last few days have brought heated discussion, new friends and an out pouring of support from my followers -thank you! At the moment I am at our hotel and the Dude is snoring away, he doesn't think he snores but I know the truth, HA!

If you have been following the debate of the last few days you will have seen a few bloggers wondering what I have tried in regards to natural fertility. This is not going to be the most interesting post which is why I have never posted it before. Maybe it will help someone who is new to the whole thing and perhaps it will show people that I have tried a lot and that I understand mine and my husbands condition like the back of my hand! If you knew me in real life you would know that I am a go big or go home type of person. This is no different than with my journey through infertility.

I suppose I would say that my journey started in 2001, not that I was trying to conceive then but this is what got me where I am today so I feel it is important to add to the story. I was in grade 12 and gaining weight rapidly. At the end of the year I had put on a whopping 65lbs! I knew something was up, I was gaining weight and had irregular cycles. I of course went to the doctor who told me everything was normal, you are still a teenager and this is suppose to happen. I never bought that so I went to find a gynecologist, surely someone who specializes in woman's medicine would be able to help me out. I can remember it felt like the first adult thing I had done, it was scandalous not informing my mom I was going in for a pap!

I went to the doctors that day not really knowing what would happen. I wasn't nervous because in the back of my mind if something was wrong they would be able to fix it. After all this is what doctors do. When I told her my story she almost lit up because she had an answer for me. She told me that she could not be sure but I had a condition called PCOS. After a battery of blood work and an ultrasound it was confirmed, I have PCOS. This brought new questions as I had never heard of the condition and back in 2001 there was very little literature written about it. Today you can find dozens of books, women who talk openly and real solution to dealing with this condition.

PCOS to me is a disease. It will be something that I always have. My hormones fluctuate so sometimes I feel good and sometimes I feel lousy. Some days I notice I have knuckle hair and some days I see that it has fallen out. There are more severe complications other than infertility when it comes to PCOS. Women with PCOS carry a higher risk for endometrial cancer, diabetes, high blood lipids, cardiovascular disease and sleep apnea. That is one mixed bag of nuts and it weighs heavy on my mind that I am predisposed to all of this! I believe PCOS can be treated but not cured, it is an endocrine disorder and hormonal balance is uber important. I have known people to be “cured” and when I say “cured” I believe that with diet, exercise and herbs you can control PCOS.

After my diagnosis I did what the doctor told me. I went on birth control. This approach was not for me, it became a cover up. In my head I was having a period but nothing about it was real. I dunno maybe I am weird but even now I get happy when I get my period, it is like I silently rejoice that my body has figured something out! Most days my period and I have a love/hate relationship. I took the pill for about a year and then I ditched it. I wasn't having sex and at that point I didn't really care if I didn't have a period, that was all it was doing and to me I saw no point. Years went by where I did nothing. One of the hardest aspects I find with PCOS is that for me it remains silent. I had lived a long time in denial about not having it. The truth is my lipids are higher and my body does not process fat and sugar properly. As sad as this sounds I still struggle with accepting that I HAVE to eat healthier than the average person and exercise regularly. I has taken me ten years and I am still working on loving my body despite the dysfunctions within it.

I eventually moved and with that found a new doctor who was convinced I needed to combo birth control and Metformin. He said that this was going to be the answer I was looking for! I would be dropping weight and I would feel so good! Suprise suprise, that was the worst treatment I have had to date! Metformin did not like my system, I took it for over 8 months and the breaking point for me was when I could not get to a bathroom one day and I had one big accident. I am not proud of it but it is the truth. To this day no one can give me an answer that makes sense as to how it is working if I do not have high blood sugar levels. I have had my blood sugar tested about 25 times and everything is always normal. I know my body does not process sugars properly but I would prefer to control that through diet and exercise. I know Metformin works well for some people with PCOS but it is not for me.

Move forward a couple of years and here I am walking down the aisle and again I am starting up the good old birth control pill. It is such a shame know nothing that I would not have mattered anyways! Since I have given you the background information I am going to put everything in point form as to what I have done to improve my fertility...

- After our first year of marriage I was sick of the pill. I hated the thought of all the fake hormones I was putting into my body so I bought the lady comp. In my opinion it is an over priced machine that takes your temperature and gives you a green, yellow, or red light. At this time I was also doing acupuncture 2-3 times a week which set me back at least $1,500 by the end of about 8 months. The good thing is I was having a regular cycle on my own. We used this machine for about 1.5 years and we thought everything was working great! In reality we probably seeing the beginning effects of our fertility.

- It was also at this time that my Naturopath told me to buy the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This book is really amazing it had everything you need to know about charting, figuring out when you are fertile and all that jazz!

- I have tried the following modalities: naturopaths, doctors, acupuncturists, homeopaths, massage therapists, biofeedback, colon hydrotherapy and when I say tried, I have seen a few of each.

- During this time I have bought these vitamins...Vitex, DIM Plus, Progesterone Cream, Fertil Aid, Fertil CM, fish oils, greens, detoxes, I also followed the insulite PCOS system, homepathic remedies, castor oil packs, waving some stinky stick above my belly button and other products I am probably not even thinking about.

- I was also an avid charter for 8 months! I have 2 extra thermometer because I kept on finding better quality ones. That is also the reason I was pretty sure that the Dude also had a problem. I knew when I was ovulating but with no positive test on the other end.

- I then went on to buy the conception kit, Pre seed, OV Watch and Ovu Cue with vaginal probe for tracking fertility.

- I also have purchased over 200 pee sticks for ovulation and maybe 30 pregnancy tests.

- I have had my hormones checked by an independent lab.

- I bought some stupid e-book that I never read because it was a rip off and told me nothing new.

- I own at least 15 books about infertility and PCOS

- I have tried an elemination diets for allergies.

- I purchased the Circle and Bloom cycle CD.

- Cough syrup, and more cough syrup!

- I still continue to use herbs in my day to day life, I go to acupuncture regularly and yam cream (form of natural progesterone) is a MUST!

If I was to total this list up for you I would say I a have spent nearly $8,500 on giving this a go on my own. Even if I wanted to buy something else to improve my fertility I do not think I could, to the Dude's relief! I will often look and yes I still will hear this will help and somewhere in my mind I have hope that one day this is going to happen on it's own. So when people ask what I have done I consider myself at best a Infertility item Guru, I own it all!

If you look at the list above you can now see why I even looked into Napro. At the heart of who I am I would love to be able to make a baby with my husband the old fashioned way. It is mind blowing that people even have kids. Like how does that even happen!? I am resolved that this is probably how we will start a family. It is okay that this is not traditional. I know both of our intentions and both of us agree that IVF is the next step. We love each other and through our love a baby will be made, not traditionally but it will be loved the same. I am going to be a proud IVF'er!

Now onto the reason why I stopped looking in Napro. The simple answer is that there is not a clinic that is even close to me. I also was not able to find a clinical study that was not tied to the church to support there claim of having great success rates. I found the website to offer solutions but they were vague in explaining how Napro actually works. Do you know of another source or study? Have you done Napro with PCOS, what is different that what I have tried above?

I will finish off with my 3 must haves for my PCOS – acupuncture, hormonal balance(from herbs) and yam cream! With these three things I feel my best and my body seems to work better!

My o my now I know why I have never written that out, it is to damn long and did you see the money I have thrown at this?!?!?!?!?

I would love to open up a dialogue about what other people have tried in dealing with their infertility! Tomorrow I have my ultrasound and consult with the doctor! Wish me luck!

Love to you...

~Is Coming Off Her Bloggy Vacay Because...~

2010-09-22T02:38:00.016-06:00

Monday started out as a pretty normal day, laundry and running a few errands nothing special. I logged into my blogger account because although I was taking a break from writing I still wanted to stay up to date with the latest and greatest from you guys! As I scrolled down my blog roll reading all the new posts I stumbled across this blog. What I can tell you is tonight this was the last post I read...

"Bottom line, Kevin: If you think Jesus smiles upon you masturbating into a cup, and having a lab technician create dozens of your little children in a dish, then having the doctor impregnate your wife while he freezes the rest of your offspring, and perhaps then donating the rest of your kids to some other lucky couple, then you are living with a clear conscience and you can rest easy and wish us well in our crazy, Catholic ignorance."

The above was written by Leila at Little Catholic Bubble. She is talking about my husband as we were involved in a joint discussion through another blog. This women kind of reminds me of this...

A woman who likes the appearance of being caring and looking at both sides but in reality is as rigid as they come. I will also add, this lady has her own posse of children, are you ready for this...8! Leila you wouldn't even know what it feels like to be infertile even if it smacked you right across the face!

The original post which can be found here was talking mostly about abortion. About half way through the article, this self named opinionated Catholic went on to talk about how IVF parallels abortion. In her own words...

“IVF basically states the same as contraception and abortion. When we do those things we are taking control over what is not ours. Just because we can take control, does not mean that we should take it.”

Of course this got me angry – like seriously!

I went on to say that if this was the case any intervention is messing with God's will. Each and every time we make a choice we are altering a decision. For instance this girl has taken fertility drugs in the past – so rationally in her mind God created those extra eggs popping out of her ovaries. So you better believe God approves of that union solely for the fact that there was a pecker, a snatch and a little mood music! How can one be right and not the other?

I feel most of the things in that post were extremely hypocritical and seriously sad. Bottom line for me is that if this is the God they know I want to stay as far away as I can. I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional church and to this day I still see the effects that has had on my life. These comments, these woman bring me right back to that time.

I will often say that just because something is true it doesn't need to be said. What good is war mongering with people when it makes no difference at all. Like that post, yeah for sure other Catholics liked it and they may be making a point of what Catholics believe but what about the person struggling, looking for God who may have had an abortion. Nope just checked, no love there, not even acceptance, just self righteousness and a mission to be right.

The thing I most often get frustrated with in regards to Christianity is why we need to be constantly looking at others and judge what they are doing. God called us to love others and to take care of one another. When we judge, we hurt people. When we make assumptions and make brass statements, we cut people to their core.

I had a friend who had an abortion. I never understood why she did that, and even more now being in the position I am now but I was her friend and she to needed love. She needed acceptance and forgiveness. I remained her friend even when the church went on to condemn her, embarrass and throw her out like a dirty piece of trash. The blog post I read today reminded me of that chilling day I witnessed such anger and hate – from people who claim to be righteous and loving.

In this life, my fate and your fate are two different things. When the end comes it will not be about who did this and who did that. It is going to be a stare down between you and God and each one of us will have to justify what we did and why? We have to live out our truths whatever they may be. We need to be aware of the lives we are living and live them bravely. That being said we also need to cut out the bull shit and stop pretending we know what is best for someone else. I am sick of hearing and feeling this statement...

“In the name of God and my religion, I am going to show you what you are doing wrong and how right I am!”

So this weekend I am going to our IVF consult. According to Catholic Bubble Lady I will be eventually murdering my own children and dishonoring my husband. I will go into my consult with those words etched to the back of my mind no matter how wrong she is! Like I said the words we say cut people deep. How were you showing me or my husband the love of God Leila? I can answer that one for you, you weren't.

You may think that you have imparted some wisdom upon me but you haven't. I am now more sure than ever that I want to commit to IVF and whatever the outcome my life will be blessed. God will always love Beckie - after all like you said God Creates every baby - even the little petri dish ones!

I will go to this meeting proud and know that I am making the right decision for us, which included looking into the spiritual direction of our decision. I will go into this meeting knowing that I will one day have a baby. I may even have children that I will never meet but I will love those children deeper than you know. I will come out stronger than I was before.

You girls will be a distant memory that I will try to forget. I can tell you from my perspective, today you did nothing that made me want to know, hear or see God. Today you brought sadness in my life and offered nothing but empty suggestions from the seat of righteousness.

I am not even close to perfect but what I saw today is EXACTLY what is wrong with religion and why people are leaving Christianity in droves. When you have no love and compassion there is only room for judgment and hate.

Love to you...

~Mini Blog Vacation~

2010-09-16T16:25:00.002-06:00

Hey Bloggies! It has been another busy busy week for me and I cannot believe it is the middle of September, like seriously when did that happen. Soon the snow will fly and I can hardly believe it. Although I am a little sad that the warm summer sun is going I am glad that a new season is approaching. The changes make me feel like I am getting somewhere, it reminds me that this journey is constant and that soon I just may be the lucky one.

Have you ever felt like everything was happening at once, you have no time for anything and then when you actually sit back and think about it, it feels like nothing much is going on at all, so foolishly you plan more because you SHOULD have time and as a result fall further behind in life? Well that is me, I have been extra tired and busy so I am going on a mini blogging vacation. I never want my blog to feel like a chore so I am going take a few weeks off to catch up with life.

See you in a few weeks hopefully feeling less tired and overwhelmed!!

Love to you...

~Searching For The Light~

2010-09-08T03:43:00.006-06:00

Can you even imagine being able to say...

"Yesterday was the night I decided to get pregnant"

Like seriously. Does this even happen?

It seems like it should be a concept in some freakin' fairy tale. To answer my own question, yes, it happens all the time. I heard a friend say this tonight and it made me hurt, it made want to throw in our towel. This process SHOULDN'T take effort, this shouldn't bring sadness or pain but the reality is, it does and will continue to be a major source of frustration until the completion of our journey.

I am jealous and envious of this simple gift that so many woman have been given. They don't even know how lucky they are, being able to produce a child on command without help. Wouldn't that be amazing?!

The more I live with infertility, the harder everything is becoming. It has been almost 2.5 years and in some respects it is getting easier but the part I find hardest is dealing with people. Slowly I am drawing away from more and more people. My mind and heart are tired of hearing about other people's babies and pregnancies.

Tonight I did not cry for the kids we do not have nor did I sit there and feel sorry for myself. Tonight, after hearing that comment I felt myself go into a place of numbness, where deep sadness lurks, a place where I know all to well. A place that shakes me to my core, a place where there is no hiding from the one thing I truly hate the most, infertility.

It is in these times that I learn how to persevere, dust myself off and get back up again, keeping up the good fight. It is in these times that I cannot hide anything from myself, it is all or nothing. It is in these times I remember to look back at what I have done and to see how strong I really am.

In the darkness and with great sadness I must search for hope and a way to make it just one more day, just one more step. Holding on to the idea that we may be next. Believing that all my dreams will come true.

and...

Always remembering that the darkness will one day allow me to truly appreciate the light.

Love to you...

~We Proudly Announce~

2010-08-30T10:40:00.005-06:00

Hey bloggies! Did you have a great weekend? I hope you did! I went out for brunch with the Dude on Sunday and it was completely fun! The Dude has been working so hard ALL summer taking photos for people so that we can afford our IVF. I am totally thankful for his hard work and commitment to IVF, I am blessed, he is a great man.

Although I am thankful it has been tough on me because I literally have not seen him, we get about 1 or 2 nights together a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. Prior to him doing photos, we also worked together. So in general I was used to spending LOTS of time with him. What else can I say, I just miss the guy! Photo season should be winding down soon so hopefully we will be able to get back to the swing of things! How much time do you get to spend with your spouse?

When summer finally arrived I saw a few voids that needed a filling and when you can't have a baby, a dog or a cat you get a....

Blackberry!

Yes that is right my new little obsession, a Blackberry Bold! Weighing in at 4 ounces it has become an instant fixture in my life – I have not left the house without it! You can see it's birth annoucment here. It's cute and small and does everything, it is incredibly seamless and easy! I was thinking that I should name it, any ideas?!

Okay the Blackberry is not going to cover up my need for a baby but for now it is keeping me busy enough to not think about my appointment at the end of September! It is a small bit of spackle to cover the holes on the wall of I cant's.

I am off to colour my hair and yes the Blackberry will be coming with me!

Love to you...

~The Anonymous Commenter Rant~

2010-08-28T00:23:00.005-06:00

Hey Bloggies! How have you been? I have been pretty busy with life and store stuff. Nothing interesting and nothing out of the ordinary, which is great! I am dedicating tonight and tomorrow to catching up on blogs and emails, I definitely have missed it! I also wanted to give a shout out to the new people following me – I am looking forward to reading your blogs later!

I moved my laptop upstairs and ordered a cheese pizza. I have nestled myself into a comfy spot for the evening and in the background you can hear my favorite tunes! I really appreciate nights like this and am now ready to do this, for realz!

I have had my fair share of anonymous comments lately, there have been some amazing ones and there have been others well that frustrate me. Anyone with a blog can relate to this situation, we have all had our day with an anonymous commenter. There have been some really happy and upbeat comments from anonymous people but I would say that the majority are either trying to prove a point or make me feel like I am some “raging infertile bitch”!!! I mean, who wants to be confrontational when you can be passive aggressive?

It is not even the content that bothers me, it is that someone wants to take a little jab at my expense but does it privately so I can never truly know. I write this blog sharing my honest feelings about everything in my life. I have invited people through Facebook and other social networks to read my blog. It was my choice to open myself up to the world and allow people to judge me and my decisions so in a way I am asking for it.

but...

Do you really need to come to an infertility blog for your kicks? I have met so many amazing people through blogger and yes, some of them have gone on to have babies and you know what? I would never even imagine posting something negative on their wall. Life already has plenty of negative in it, why add more, especially without your name attached to it. How pointless is it to make a statement and then leave it anonymous – it's kind of like you just don't exist.

Perhaps I should re name my blog “Beckie Thinks Being Infertile Rocks!” because apparently the only thing the negative anonymous commenter wants to hear is how AMAZING this experience has actually been. The negative anonymous commenter wants to pretend that my thoughts are like a super duper fertile person, I wish I could be ignorant to this whole situation, I wish I could see through a fertile persons eyes.

At the end of the day this is who I am, this blog is me. This is an infertility blog, I will be ranting and finding humor in things that only infertile people would truly understand. To make this clear I am not writing the everyday parent, I am writing about the injustice and ones journey through infertility. I am not here to make people angry, I love people. If you knew anything about me this is the first thing you would see – Beckie tries to care about everyone.

And get this; one of my favorite anonymous bloggers comes from...

Drum roll please...

My Facebook page!

A little anonymous rant for me! Have a wonderful Saturday lovely's!

Love to you...

~“If I do not have a child by 2012 I am going to be like sooo pissed”~

2010-08-11T23:32:00.005-06:00

Hello bloggies!! How's summer treating you? We are FINALLY getting some sun around here after some pretty crazy storms and insane amounts of rain! I was actually thinking that the 2012 prophecies were coming true?! On the topic of 2012, even though I think it's a hoax, somewhere in my mind I still give it some credibility. I have no idea why but it just creeps in, sucker for punishment I guess! Anyways I have often had this thought...

“If I do not have a child by 2012 I am going to be like sooo pissed” - ha! I threw in a little valley girl in there just to mock myself! But seriously, have such things ever crossed your mind or am I just strange? My final point about this, would it really matter anyway? Seriously Beckie, give your head a shake!

Now onto other things that don't involve the world crashing to a dramatic end. I am happy to report that I have lost 5lbs! I have blogged about losing weight many a time but never had the will or ambition to stick to it. It feels right, it feels like I may be able to do it this time!

My friend D and I have gone to the gym nearly every day for the last two weeks. I have also been incorporating healthy eating and drinking lots and lots of water. I cannot even begin to explain how happy my liver and kidneys are at this present moment!

I am using a website called SparkPeople which tracks your food and exercise. There are lots of forums where you can talk to other people who are trying to loose weight with similar goals, such as infertility. The food tracker has been a big part of my success so far, it really makes you understand what is in your food. It makes you think about what you are eating, which for me is VERY IMPORTANT!

I am feeling great! Not working crazy hours at the store and having some time for just me has changed my life and it has only been a few weeks! I cannot wait to see what the next few months will bring!

Have a great Thursday everyone!

Love to you...

~First Ever IVF Baby~

2010-08-06T21:38:00.002-06:00

Pretty cool interview...

Enjoy!

Love to you...

~I Can Feel it, Something in The Air Tonight!~

2010-08-04T01:02:00.007-06:00

Hey Bloggies! How has your day been? In Canada, Monday was a holiday so this was my first day back at work since the weekend. I think I will label this day with one word...

Procrastination!

I suppose though, it really could be multitasking. I was doing several little tasks at once, not completing ANY but that doesn't count right?

I had a great weekend with my niece who is 3 and nephew who is turning 1! I gotta say I love these kids. L is a sweet loving little girl with a huge imagination and is always sporting a smile, at least when she has had her nap! T is a cuddly little guy with a love to explore everything around him. These little cuties have the blondest of hair and the roundest cheeks, what's not to love?

Being with them solidifies my want and need for our own children. It feels good to know that if we are blessed with kids I am going to be a great mom. I already have an immeasurable love for something that doesn't exist but in my heart the idea and thought grows wild. Having that deep seeded thought in itself is a blessing. I am not afraid that I am not ready to be a mom, I know I am! Now I just gotta get me some kids – enough of this practicing already, I want the real thing!

Tonight I thought about this clip from the Hangover (which happens to be one of my favorites). Here you have Mike Tyson singing “I Can Feel it in The Air Tonight”!

For some reason this got me thinking that I should be expecting some pregnancy announcements any day now. One in particular that wouldn't leave my mind was an old friend from high school who swears she would never want kids.

I dunno guys, it is literally something I can feel in the air! Has this ever happened to you? Maybe it is something I can catch, like a cold! Ha!

I suppose only time will tell, maybe I could add psychic to the list of my mad skills. Feelings like this are weird because sometimes they come to fruition and other times that are nothing more than that.

Right now I'm agreeing with Mike that there just might be something in the air tonight...perhaps it is you?!?!

Love to you...

~Misunderstood~

2010-08-02T17:17:00.004-06:00

Do you ever feel misunderstood? Can you share a time when you felt that way?

I am assuming I am not alone on this. Lately I am constantly feeling misunderstood.

Especially in regards to the business of infertility. I feel I am constantly explaining why I feel a certain way, trying to not offend anyone but still living out my truth. Why is my hurt and pain any different than someone else? I am frustrated that I am not able to talk about how I feel without someone getting upset or hostile.

I have nothing else to say. Just that I feel people with infertility are judged and it's not fair.

Everyone has opinions, some of them are just more accepted than others.

Love to you...

~Your So Vain~

2010-07-30T02:22:00.008-06:00

I was on Facebook tonight and this little gem popped up…

http://www.planmybaby.com/?hop=linuxsuse

I especially love the part that is highlighted and says…

“You may be thinking that this is too good to be true but all I ask is 3 minutes; and this will be the most important 3 minutes of your life. “

Thanks for the advice Alicia but if I knew you I would tell you to shove it!! I find it insulting that you would even allude to the fact that choosing the gender of my baby would top the most important minutes of my life! News flash - it wouldn't!!

At least you’re not trying to rip off the infertiles of the world!!

I dedicate this song to you Alicia and any other individuals who purchased this program! Seriously people, seriously!!

Love to you...

~The Elusive Pregnancy~

2010-07-28T20:41:00.004-06:00

As of late I can say that I have been digging myself further into a reclusive position, which is a place I feel safe and protected from the hurt of infertility! Not only the hurt but being able to have control over something. I recently said to someone at work my pregnant/mom quotient is full at the moment. Having a balance of friends and not shutting people out is proving to be a challenge, my heart and my mind are constantly at war!

I am sick of the idea that one day I might be pregnant. The thought that I might be pregnant sometime in the future stops me from planning/living my life. Here a few ridiculous lines that have come out of my mouth recently...

“I may be pregnant next year so I better not”

“You cannot accept that client because that may be our child's first Christmas”

“I may be pregnant by then so I won't be able to fit into that dress”

In this process I have no control, none, zip! Naturally my instincts come into play and I start to plan for an “elusive” pregnancy – heck I am not sure why I just don't tell people “I am actually planning on being pregnant so that just won't work”. When there is no baby to show I will just stick to my story and hope for the best.

I have talked so much about this “elusive” pregnancy some days I even wonder if I want this. Truly is it worth it?

Shocking confession in 3....2....1....

I have decided to let it all go. I am standing here tonight telling this elusive pregnancy that it will not corrupt or control my life and whatever happens will have to bend around me and not the other way around! After all, infertility, haven't you done enough?

I miss the days of being on the pill and pretending I was fertile! Ignorance is truly bliss baby!

Love to you...

~Road trip and Gifts 28 and 27~

2010-07-23T00:19:00.010-06:00

Happy Friday everyone! I am so excited that the weekend is upon us! I am heading on a road trip with my friend D for a few days and I cannot wait, we are going to have a great time! You see the dude's busiest time for photography is the summer months and so my friend D has kinda become my other half – which I think is quite AWESOME!

Have you ever seen the dude's work? You can find it here...I suppose I am a little bias but I think he does a pretty wonderful job! The other day when he booked a wedding he sent me a message...

“Hey B – I just booked and wedding which will pay for one of our baby's legs!!!!!!”

Even though the Dude can make me madder than anyone else, he also is the person I adore and love the mostest!

Now onto the 29 gifts project!

Number 28...

This gift went to a woman who is incredibly strong, even in hardship she is a fighter! I can remember her blog was one of the first blogs I would frequent when I came onto the scene. She also gave me my very first blog award which I will always remember! She had a rough pregnancy and faced so many obstacles throughout including her job, her house and her family! I read and watched as her life was unfolding. Most days my heart sank for her, really none of this seemed fair. She is now a beautiful mom to a gorgeous little girl. Through her I have learned that everyone has a little crazy and that it's okay to not always have the sun shining out of your ass. I have learned that even when we are at our lowest there are miracles present we just have to look for them even if it's with a magnifine glass!

Included in this gift...

For mama - a breastfeeding support kit and a relaxation CD to encourage breast milk production

For babe - a teddy, a princess blanket, and a teeny tiny sleeper

Number 27...

Another wonderful blog woman! I have also been reading this blog since the start of time and I can tell you this woman is funny, caring and wonderful! Her blog is so open and honest and reaches so many within the infertility community. She has a way of connecting with everyone through her writing which is such an amazing gift! I can remember being super jealous of her blog when I first started. She is expecting her first baby later this year and I could not be happier for her! She has taught me to find the humour within infertility and just to keep trying even if it means doing it over and over and over and over and over and over again!

Included in this gift...

For mama – Canadian made soap, lip balm, therapeutic foot soak and belly butter

For the babe to be – Canadian made soap and baby butter

Well it is past my bed time!

Have a great weekend guys!

Love to you...

~The First of 29 and Other Ramblings~

2010-07-20T23:53:00.008-06:00

Heyo bloggies! How have you been? What's new, anything exciting happening with you...seriously I wanna know!?!?!?

For myself I have been one busy little lady, well I am not so little so I will leave it at busy! In the last few days I have...

Cleaned out my beauty supply collection
Went to Chicago
Put together the first gift in the 29 Gifts in 29 Days

I think it is safe to say that I'm a certified beauty junkie! The sheer amount of stuff I posses when it comes to hair, makeup and other gadgets is ridiculous – see photo below! In an effort to improve this obsession I decided to clean up shop, give away what I wasn't using and make a plan to not buy so much in the future, because does a girl really need 8 different moisturizers? I think not! I probably should start bad habit Friday – wanna bet I would have a new one every Friday?!?!

The dude and I went on a quick weekend trip to Chicago – in the photo below is the downtown skyline, It was a great city to visit. I do not have to much to say since we mostly did business things but the highlights for me would be...

Shopping
Whole Foods
The Navy Pier
Good food
Great Company
Seeing Jerry Springer at the airport

The 29 Gifts in 29 days project is now up and running. The first gift is going to a wonderful lady with a great love for her family. She has taught me that even when things don't work out with fertility treatments that there is always a way to make it work whether it be surrogacy or adoption. This is something that people dealing with infertility hear often but for me her story brought this concept to life. I am thankful to know her and call her a blogging friend. I am so happy that she will soon get to become the great mom she has been all along! I think she summed it up best for all of us!

“I know now and I'll know even more clearly when he's in our arms that this was the baby God had planned for us all along”

The gift I choose for her...

A baby book for adoptive families and a grow your own sprout kit!

I am looking forward to doing to the rest - check back daily as there should be a new gift everyday!

Love to you...

~29 Gifts in 29 Days UPDATE~

2010-07-12T23:26:00.003-06:00

Hey Bloggies, if you do not know what 29 gifts in 29 days is you can find out more about it here.

If you have already signed up I am here to tell you it is starting soon! So keep your eyes out for a little somethin' somethin' in the mail.

or...

Did you want to be include the first time around but forgot to send me your story? Don't worry because I still have 10 spots left!!!

Love to you...

~Survey Says...~

2010-07-10T15:45:00.004-06:00

Survey Says...

6 pregnant bellies and 3 sweet little babies! All in all not that bad - I was betting at least 14!!

So as promised the first nine people to respond to this post will receive a little gift bag from moi!

Click on this link to read the original post

or...

Feel free to comment and receive a little somethin somethin by mail!

Love to you...

~The Infertility Tattoo~

2010-07-05T22:18:00.008-06:00

Hey bloggies! How was your day? Today I did something eventful – I got a tattoo! I am still in shock that I actually went through with it but in the end I am glad I did it and am happy with the results. Yes it is small but it is mighty and packs a powerful message that I will hold onto forever.

This idea was ignited in me several months ago when I wanted to find a way to symbolize my infertility. I wanted it to be a visual reminder of what I am working so hard for, a baby. If you have been apart of the infertility community no doubt you would have seen this...

The common thread was started by Melissa at the Stirrup Queens Blog, you can find her blog here. I have included and explanation of the pomegranate string.

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique - endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown - the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.

The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility. Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

So that was the start of it all – for me the perfect symbol to share and represent my own fertility struggles.

I always say, once an infertile always an infertile. Infertility puts scars on our hearts, changes our thoughts and feelings forever. Many of us will go on to have happy healthy families but we will always remember the struggle we went through to get there.

I got the tattoo to remind me everyday of where I came from and where I am going. I never want to be the person who does not feel completely blessed because even in my struggles I am. If we are blessed with a family it will remind me to be kind, compassionate and caring to those still wading through the waters of infertility. To reach out and help them realize their dreams to. I want to be able to look at that tattoo when my kids are driving me insane and remember that they are miracles. I want to be able to look at that tattoo and remind myself that I am not alone, that there are thousands of couples out there who long for a family just like me.

So without further adieu, my tattoo...

Although I have hated every minute of this I would never change it. Infertility has taught me so many life lessons and it will continue to bend and shape my mind daily. Here is a quote from Being Erica, the sentiment in this message keeps me going everyday. My wish is it does the same for you.

“They say the greatest mistake is giving up, that true strength lies in the will to keep trying. Keep hoping things will get better. Keep reminding yourself of all you've accomplished. Keep everything in perspective. Keep up the fight, because at the end of the day that's what your left with, the knowledge that you did your best and that you will wake up tomorrow and try again.”

Love to you...

~The Great Fortune Cookie~

2010-07-04T22:53:00.005-06:00

Hello Bloggies! Don't you just love Sundays, especially the holiday ones? For all my American friends today marks a special day for you, today you will have celebrated your country and what it means to be free - Happy Independence Day! Please someone light a sparkler for me as I have been in America on the 4th of July and the parties are crazy fun!

I am recapping what happened the other night because really it could not have been any better and when I say better I mean cheesier! None the less I had a blast and as always enjoyed myself a little too much!

After work on Friday I went out for dinner with a girl from work – we have a delicious Chinese place a block away from the store. For myself Chinese food is great for two reasons...

1.It is yummy
2.You get a fortune cookie

When the lady dropped off the bill there were two lovely fortune cookies awaiting us. I always snatch the one I want before others can choose – I know selfish but hey, someone's gotta do it! Before I read the fortune I always make sure I am crunching on the cookie first – it increases the odds of it coming true – for reals people! It read this...

How awesome is that! I mean that could apply to so many things but the one thing I am holding out hope for is the success of our IVF – I am keeping all my positive vibes for that one!

After dinner we went to see the new Twilight movie Eclipse. I had mentioned in a previous post I was lucky enough to meet Carlisle Cullens or Peter Facinelli, the photo with him is pretty awesome! I did not want a cheesy smiley picture so we did this...

I know, so much better right? Now it is a cheesy goofy picture – my right hand looks deformed! Anyways it was great and really, what are the chances of me meeting my vampire crush???

I must say the movie was AWESOME, definitely the best one so far and to boot Peter was in it 10 times more than the other movies!

After the great fortune cookie event and seeing the much anticipated Eclipse it only left me with one question...

I wonder if Peter Facinelli has ever donated sperm?

Love to you...

~Do You Know What it Feels Like?~

2010-06-26T15:34:00.009-06:00

Hey Bloggies! I found this article the other day while perusing the internet. This is something I have wanted to write for a long time as many people have and will continue to ask what this journey feels like. The article is from the Ferre Institute, they have broken it down into a brochure entitled, Infertility – What it Feels Like. Although some of these things are not exactly how I feel it definitely has been the closest I have read thus far.

This post reminds me of the song by Madonna "What it feels like for a girl" but of course I was thinking about this from the infertility perspective. It's a good song and this post is a bit longer so listen and read - hope you enjoy!

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me as this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren’t very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed, and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I’ve spent years trying to avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try hard, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I’m never pregnant? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I’m losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self confidence and feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I have always taken care of it. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.

I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn’t cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self centered. I’m sad that I’ve ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much of my energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kid’s movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timeline; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursuer adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursuer more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I ‘m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

There you have it! How does it make you feel? Agree or Disagree?

I hope your weekend has been sweet so far!

Love to you…

~The Sun's Shining Even on a Cloudy Day~

2010-06-23T11:18:00.005-06:00

Hey Bloggies! Are you as shocked as I am – it hasn’t been two weeks since my last post!

I was met this morning by a wake up call from my friend D – yes it was 6:00 am and I was a tad bit grumpy. We decided on the weekend that we were going to start working out at the local YMCA together a few times a week. Two words will describe this morning’s adventure – I survived! I did about half an hour on the all motion trainer and finished with a nice dip in the pool. I must say the pool was a great way to cool down and stretch – super relaxing! All in all it was a good way to start the day and I am glad I had someone to encourage me to actually GET UP and get moving!

Speaking of my friend D, she also has a blog. Her blog is of course about her life but most importantly how she bravely faces each day with a pituitary tumour. I am often shocked at the amount of strength and optimism she brings to life everyday. I only met her a year ago but I am glad to call her one of my besties – she is my wonderful! Right now D is doing a giveaway for some great fertility related books, so if you like to read this giveaway is perfect for you! You can check her out here!

and…

On the fertility front we have had some wonderful news that has really uplifted my spirits and has given me a new sense of hope and strength! Originally we had applied to be accepted into two different fertility clinics, as you know the clinic we first chose has a BMI restriction which puts off IVF until I can comply with the BMI standards.

The second clinic called on Monday to tell us since we had not contacted them they would be discharging our file and if we still wanted to be considered to contact them asap. After a few discussions with the dude we felt that since we would be waiting anyways clinic #2 is way closer – 380 miles less to be exact! The original reason and biggest factor we chose clinic #1 is the wait list was months shorter.

I was thinking this was pretty great and then it got better! I asked about the weight issue because I had to plan with them my initial appointment and weight was obviously a consideration I would need to make. To my surprise she said they did not have one. This was the most wonderful news I could have heard. Not because I am not planning on losing weight – I am, but the fact we have a date. I now have direction! Having that huge number and no date made my head spin and often I would quit before I even got started.

I feel motivated, I have direction! The biggest exciting new development through all of this is I can say I am happy and hope is shining through!

Love to you…

~"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt~

2010-06-21T02:24:00.016-06:00

Hey Bloggies! Again I come to you graveling about my absence and bad blogging habits – seriously sorry! There has been some new drama with the Organic Market – which will pass in time but like any lovely flower it will bloom when it wants to. Enough about that though, I already spend way to much time considering that one!

So what has been going on with me? It was late last week that I decided I needed to go talk to a counselor about everything going on and why I seemed to be able to accomplish nothing when it comes to baby making. The biggest thing holding me back from IVF is my weight. The doc said I need to loose 50lbs to be accepted into the IVF program! Fair enough, it is going to be the best thing for everyone – I get it. The weird part and biggest reason I went to go see her is I have no motivation at all, ZIP! It has been 3 months since my consult and I could have been a 1/3 of the way there but I have chosen to do nothing. Overwhelmed and sad at the idea I am to lazy to fight for something I want really bad. Most days I get lost and confused in these thoughts.

As a person, I am able to self analyze. Which some days is a blessings and other days a curse! I am rarely ever able to not sort something out in my mind. In the past when I have gone to see a counselor it has basically left me feeling more frustrated as they have not respected this about me and tried to make something out of nothing. With questions like “And how do you feel about that?” - almost driving me mental I had written off getting help! So this new lady had an abstract bill to fit. My first appointment I shared some of my background and basically told her I needed her to look into my life and be brutality honest to what she saw was holding me back.

I was surprised – she did just what I asked. Listened to me em-pathetically and had practical advice for me to chew on!

The break down is kinda like this. “Beckie of course your life is stressful and overwhelming, look what you do everyday”

- Run a busy business with my husband which employs 13 people
- Work about 50 + hours a week
- Try to maintain a life outside of this chaos
- Trying to have a baby but can't
- Loose 50 pounds

All this adds up to a lot of stress which I rarely ever let myself believe. Coping for me has become eating. Which is super sad but that is where I am at. After my appointment I did a lot of thinking about everything and I am going to have to learn to cut some of this out and make my health and happiness a priority, which I have not done in years!

Although the above statement was telling it wasn't as shocking as the next one. I have known for awhile I have to start taking better care of myself but really the question for me is why I have no drive and no ambition to fight for my life!

Out came the words “Beckie you are afraid of everything! This is stopping you for being the best you can be”

At first I was like I do not fear any of this. After the appointment I was in my car saying “fear... right” as I chuckled sarcastically! I can remember just saying fear over and over and then it hit me – she was right!

I have been living the past two years in fear of everything! My job, health, babies and instead of not letting the fear bother me I have let it control me. Fear is weird because you think it would protect you but instead it does the opposite. Fear has kept me from achieving my hopes and dreams.

Now that I can see fear present in my life I am starting to deal with it little by little. It is hard to not be fearful. I can remember sitting in her chair and she asked “Is three years worth waiting to have a baby?” I wanted to say yes but in the back of my mind I was thinking I do not know if I can do this for that long? Hello fear nice to meet you again....

Day by day I am changing my thought process, living with more confidence and purpose. Trying to not let the "dreaded time line" rule my life. Keeping my head high and letting life play out how it's suppose to. I heard a song tonight and the lyrics spoke to me...

“And it’s one more night without you
Just one more night without you
I can’t see the Northern lights, just by wishing it were true
One more night without you”

I cannot really change anything about my situation. All I can do is live to see another day and make sure that I am doing what makes me happy. I really believe that in the process of finding out who I am and why I tick I will be able to figure out the next step. I will be able to conquer my fears and truly live. Through all of this I know my life will be perfect, I know this because I will have lived and loved!

The fear of just about everything still stirs my soul night after night but I am taking active steps to put it to rest. In the next couple of weeks I will be cutting back my hours drastically, I will be joining a gym with my best friend and I will be cooking at home more often. I am learning to accept that it took me a while to get here so it is going to take time to repair my life and accept what I cannot change.

“When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.”

Love to you...

~The Other Kind of 2 Week Wait~

2010-06-07T11:29:00.007-06:00

This is absolutely ridiculous!

What is ridiculous you say?

The fact that I have not blogged in over two weeks that is! You were probably thinking...

A) I had died
B) I was covering up a hail Mary pregnancy
C) You didn't even notice

Well bloggies I have missed you ALL and I am back! The real reason I have been away is because we have had a few dramatic staffing changes at the store and I have been there most nights till the wee hours of the morning. I think I will call this the 2 week wait career edition. Everything is now going smoothly on that front and I am starting to feel well rested again. The question now is – since I have not blogged in so long where do I start???

I guess I will start with this exact moment. Right now I am fixing a mistake. This mistake kinda looks like this...

Yes I boxed dyed my hair. I ALWAYS use the Tints of Nature Light Brown and have always had good results. While I was shopping with a friend my wild side came out (which really is always there but today I actually listened to it) and well that left me with Mahogany Blonde hair. I woke up this morning and realized the severity of the issue. Of course I did what any girl would do...go buy another box to “fix it”! I am currently in bake mode with my hair changing as I type. I really hope I don't end up looking like a troll with purple hair. * Nail biting begins*

Onto the Ov-Watch giveaway, I have drawn a winner! That wonderful person would be Michelle from No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat! I love how Michelle is always so positive and upbeat. I see her all over blogger sharing her love and positivity with everyone. Congrats Michelle – I hope the fertility package brings you some wicked awesome luck in the baby making department! If you have not read her blog go over and tell her congrats – she is a gem!

Thanks to everyone who have signed up for my 29 gifts in 29 days. If you would like to know more or participate you can read about it here. My tentative plan is to start in two weeks, for everyone who has signed up already I haven't dropped the ball I am just waiting for the right time. People have been sharing with me about there lives and it is amazing to be able to help someone so far away. Reading your stories let's me know I am not alone and I gain appreciation for my own walk, I can already see a glimmer of change happening.

*I am Going to wash out my hair now – yes it has been 40 minutes – I am a slow thinker – which makes me an even slower typer – eager anticipation awaits!*

After washing and blow drying I am pleased to announce I am back to GORGEOUS! Woot Woot!

I guess the last notable new thing with me is the dude gave me an AMAZING gift! A few weeks back when I was feeling my worst he said he was going to help me feel better. The only way I can describe the dude is a solid rock. He is able to maneuver his way through just about anything and make it amazing. So while I have been down in the dumps he has been helping me push through! He told me he had a surprise waiting for me on Sunday and I should invite a friend. On Sunday I was up and ready for the big surprise...

I opened up a beautiful card to find enough money to buy LOTS of new clothes!! The dude had been putting away little chunks of money away for some time and he decided that I needed a wardrobe change – man does he know what a woman likes! You see I have an addiction. I have an addiction to stretchy zip ups, I own about 20! Yikes! I checked myself into rehab for the day and I bought things that made me feel and look great! Hopefully since I am not going to be looking like a schlep I will feel a little more like myself! Thanks Dude – you are amazing!

Have a great week guys – I will be around a little more often now and I look forward to hearing about what is going on with you because...

2 weeks can change EVERYTHING!

Love to you...

~29 Gifts in 29 Days~

2010-05-24T20:51:00.010-06:00

Hey Bloggies! The long weekend is fast approaching the finish line and it was a good one! I feel refreshed and tired all at the same time, confusing hey? Tonight the dude and I will be finishing off the weekend by going to see Shrek at the theater, which I must admit is one of my favorite things to do! In my opinion if you are going to go to the theater you have to indulge in a few treats, my favorite is M & M's and popcorn. Sweet and salty – need I say more?

Over the last month I have been feeling really down and out. I am feeling better day by day but ultimately I am still dealing with the frustrations of weight loss, no baby and my fears of IVF. During my regular session of “retail therapy” I saw a book that caught my eye. The book was presenting such an incredible idea of healing. The book is called...

29 Gifts – How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life

Wow! This is my kind of book. I love giving to people. In my own life I have seen that if I give of myself it heals my soul and makes my heart sing! As I was sitting there reading the overview of the book I was thinking of a way I could incorporate this kinda thing into my life. So I decided to reach out to the infertility community online.

I have a soft spot for anyone with infertility, past or present and I believe this is where I can impact people the most. I wanted something on a larger scale, not just my friends at home but people who I do not know at all. Showing them kindness and spreading love around the world. This can be someone who has gone through infertility treatments, pregnant woman and mothers. Are you excited - I sure am!

So, I am looking for is 29 people to give gifts to. In order for me to find a heart felt gift just for you I am asking that you comment on the post saying you want to join, then send an email to beckiesinfertile@live.ca with a story about what is going on in your life, please include a return address so I can send your gift to you. Your note can be happy, sad, or whatever you want to share. The note will need to include enough information for me to be able to pick out something you need. My promise to you is that I am going to give freely and with joy. My gifts may be anything from money to a nice card. It has to be something I give unselfishly and will ultimately benefit you.

I will be blogging about all my gifts, not names, but situations and hopefully in the end we will have one big ball of love! I will start as soon as I have 29 participants and will send a follow up email letting you know we are starting. I am excited for this opportunity to share with you, wherever you are!

Let the healing begin!

Love to you...

~Chances Are~

2010-05-22T15:57:00.005-06:00

Hey Bloggies, how is your long weekend going? It is raining in my world which is fine with me because I am at work today! My parents are coming for a visit tonight which I am super pumped for! We are planning on having a weenie roast and bon fire tomorrow! Yes, summer is finally here, YAY YAY YAY! Is anyone else as excited as me? What are you doing this long weekend?

I am at work today and have been alone with my brain all day, enough said! I am not quite back to my old self but I feel I am getting there….slowly.

I heard this song at work today and it brought a smile to my face. It talks about taking chances. Life is one big chance if you think about it, in my 26 years I have taken a lot of chances. Some ended up not being the right ones and some were life changing and incredible.

Right now in this stage of my life I gained a new insight and appreciation for the ‘chance” at life! I am trying to remember that there are no guarantees for anything. If I face my problems with positivity, courage and strength more than likely I will have everything I have ever dreamt of! Sometimes my biggest fault is thinking something has to be a certain way but in the meantime I have missed the beauty of the process

Chances are I won’t be infertile forever! Chances are I will have a baby or a child one day. For the moment I am thankful that we can afford IVF and the only thing holding me back is my weight.

Chances are good I am going to be just fine!

Have a great weekend guys! Take some chances this weekend, who knows what could happen, it may just be something that changes your whole life?

Love to you…

~Vancouver, Twilight & Thoughts~

2010-05-18T00:51:00.009-06:00

Hey Bloggies! I am back from sunny Vancouver and absolutely drained, I had a GREAT time! Today I was right back at work and into the swing of things. When I got home I slept till 10:30 and now I am awake and unable to sleep, ha – serves me right!

I was in Vancouver for a health food show that happens annually. It's lots of samples, buying and networking! It is perfect for me since I love to talk to people and wheel some deals! I always get fired up over a good deal! How about you?

I went with my lovely friend and co-worker LA. She is such a great person, I have rarely met someone who is so committed to her little guy! She often has insights and perspectives I have never thought about and is always there when I have a tough day! We had a great time together.

We checked into a great hotel in the downtown core. I love big cities, the energy and promise they bring makes me feel alive. The first thing we wanted to do was head out for some shopping, after all we are woman, can I get an amen for that one! One the way out we saw a poster, there was a Twilight Convention going on at our hotel. I laughed and brushed it off. I mean I love the movies but I do not LOVE them enough to go to a convention.

So later that weekend I saw a lady who was clearly attending the Twilight convention. To be honest I was intrigued, ashamed to admit it but I wanted to know what was going on! As I sipped my morning Starbucks I mustered up the courage to ask what this convention was all about, I was in luck, Brenda who we will call a 'super fan' came all the way from Virginia! It is approximately 2,481 miles from Virginia to Vancouver. Crazy hey? Like any good fan she was dying to spill out any info that I would listen to. My life changed the moments she said this...

“Today Beckie I am so excited Peter Facinelli or Carlisle Cullen as we know him is going to be here today, you can meet and get a photo with him”

I was ecstatic! I could not believe my favorite character and when I say favorite I mean the one I find most attractive was going to be there for me to hug and view in the flesh. I put down my inhibitions, I was all aboard for the Twilight convention now. You also must keep in mind I was at work so I made a plan to meet Brenda at 3 and we would go together for the meet and greet.

I was looking at my watch like every half an hour to ensure I would not miss it and when the time came I felt like a teenager, my heart was racing. It was like I was at the front of a backstreet boys concert! I can tell you he is so much better looking in person. Down to earth, kind, funny and smells like wonderful! I got my picture and talked briefly and then it was over. I now have a photo by my desk and I was so happy that I was able to experience that! LOVED IT!

I would say this was probably the highlight of my weekend! I also developed a love for a gin and tonic! Have you ever had one? If the answer is no and you are not pregnant then try one, all I can say is delicious!

Today was another day of trudging through the mud and not literally speaking. I am feeling more depressed and more tired it seems each day that passes. I've been told that I've seemed really down lately, maybe even a bit angry. These people all read my blog and those comments hurt. I mean what I am I suppose to be, I am not a super hero and I most certainly am not a statue with no feelings.

I am a people pleaser which is screwed up in so many ways because when I am hurting all I can think to do is...

“I'm sorry what can I do to make that better for you”

Because my writing is so brutally honest it can make some people feel uncomfortable and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I am baring my soul and it is at this time I wish I would have not told anyone I know in real life. I thought it would create more understanding but I think that sometimes it has caused more confusion. I always tell people that when you go through a super hard time you can be thankful because when you reach the point when you cannot handle another day a better one is just around the corner. I am waiting for my good day, but I know it will come, after all it is just around the corner, right?

The Dude told me this morning that I had been having a hard time during the last few days and that it was ok. He said I'm still really happy nine days out of 10 (and that's better than most people!) but when I get down I get really down. That's ok to.

To the people who know me in real life. If you find this blog, feel free not to read it if you do not want to. Feel free to not understand or be angry. This was started for me to cope and deal. I am not meaning to hurt or offend any of you. I am going to have good days and bad but in the end all I want is...

A friend

Nothing more, that is all I ask.

Right now this song is on repeat. I am much afraid. I am scared. Someway or somehow this is suppose to teach me something. I am trying hard to learn the lessons I need to.

Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
I might not get up again

So I lay at your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to you

All of these things
I've held up in vain
No reason nor rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go

So happy to love
Yet so far to go
You lead me on to where I've never been before

Thinking of all you IF'ers out there, I am not alone.

Love to you...

~ Ultimate Fertility Package Giveaway ~

2010-05-13T13:10:00.005-06:00

Hey Bloggy's I hope you are all having a great week! I will be heading to Vancouver tomorrow for a health food expo and all I can say is bring on the samples!!! This is the one day where work becomes SUPER fun! That being said I will be MIA till Monday! I hope you have a great weekend, do something fun for yourself, you deserve it!

Now it's giveaway time!

For my 100th follower giveaway I bring you another ultimate fertility package.

Here's the dealio! Last time I gave away the ultimate fertility package filled with tons of Fertility Glitz! In IF there is hardly ever one round so why would we make an exception for this giveaway!

The grand prize is a fertility package including an OV-Watch starter Kit, Pre-Seed , Fertility Socks, A Few Good Eggs Fertility Book, chocolate and herbal tea to soothe the soul!! How do you win you ask?!

1.Become a follower of Beckies Infertility Journey! (1 Entry)

2. Post a comment about the one thing you are going to do for YOURSELF this weekend
(1 Entry)

3. For an additional 5 entries post something about this giveaway on your blog and let all your friends know about the Fertility Glitz they could win! Let me know you have done this so I can keep track of the extra entries!

If you already follow Beckies Infertility Journey just complete step #2 and if you want the extra entries step #3 and that's it.

The draw for the “Ultimate Fertility Package” will run until May 26, 2010!!!!!

Love to you...

~It’s Not Having What You Want it’s Wanting What You’ve Got~

2010-05-11T22:49:00.005-06:00

Hey Bloggy’s! Thank you so much for all the encouragement and love yesterday! I really appreciate the support you have provided me! I hope that I can return back some of the love you have shown me!

So this week there will be no picture this because if there were it would consist of McDonald’s and Gossip Girl. That is all I did, ALL day. I did not move, I did not answer the phone; I wanted to be secluded from the world. I could say that this was a by product of Mother’s Day but it is more than that. Of course Mother’s Day did not help but this goes deeper. It basically comes down to this…

I am so disappointed with how life is turning out. I am sad, angry and I am just not happy. It takes so much energy to be happy. It takes so much work to pretend. I heard a song called the walk yesterday and the chorus described it all…

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.

Yesterday it hit me how sad I actually am, in the shower before picking up the dude from work I just sat down and sobbed. I cried hard for everything that I feel is wrong about my life. It’s not that I am not happy with some things but most struggles feel larger than life! This whole mess feels huge and all consuming. Can I get an Amen?!?!

I want to run! I want to get away from everything! I was literally looking at tickets to India tonight and if I could go I would.

To get through this I need to live by this motto everyday…

It’s Not Having What You Want it’s Wanting What You’ve Got

Not only living it but believing it! I can say right now I have no idea how to do that and I definitely do not feel truth in that sentiment whatsoever! I am lost. I feel like I have no direction, no purpose anymore. I am often frustrated with people close to me and I pull away from them because few actually understand. I feel sometimes people who know me in real life think I am being dramatic! This may be just me but it is hard on my soul.

I want this to be different. I need this to be different.

So in the midst of figuring out my life and trying to be happy with what I have I will press on. Who knows if I will figure this out? I suppose this scenario only has two outcomes

I Will or I Won’t – I’m wishing on the I Will!

Love to you…

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

How I feel everyday captured in video, thank-you!! Beautifully done by a woman named Keiko, she is very active in promoting infertility awareness! You can find her blog here!

~Happy Mother's Day to Me - Ugh!~

2010-05-09T16:40:00.002-06:00

The only thing worse than having to endure Mother's Day when you can't have a baby is...

Getting a pregnancy announcement from a friend, your timing by the way was perfect! Thank-you!

Ugh! Right now I am so many things, I could cry! I feel the lump sitting in my throat, waiting to burst at any second! All I can say is this fucking sucks! I am not going to try and be happy today. I am sad. I am hurt. I want this so bad and yet I have nothing. I cannot say that I wanted this more but I have wanted it longer.

I am heading over to my friends house tonight. Our infertility support group is having an anti mothers day party! Thank God for that! We are not against mothers (that is not what it is about) but to supporter each other on a day that is hard for so many. At least this will be fun and we can drink, did I mention that?!?! My IF friends are the best, I LOVE THEM ALL!

Thinking about so many of you going through the same thing! Internet hugs for all of you.

Today my heart is broken from infertility, more so than anytime I can remember. I don't want to do this anymore, this hurts way to much!

Love to you...

~A Giveaway, Ask A Fert Friday and Picture This All in One Jam Packed Post~

2010-05-06T23:58:00.019-06:00

I am in shock, tonight is Thursday, which means I have not blogged in over a week! I have been traveling, working and of course after all that hard work there has to be a little play, right? I have missed everyone on blogger and I am looking forward to catching up with all your blog's this weekend.

The plan for tonight folks will be to combine Picture This, Ask a Fert Friday and tell you about "The Ultimate Fertility" giveaway! Have you ever wished blogging could be a full time job? I would love to run a blog, do hundreds of giveaways and comment on other blogs all day long!

We will start with last Thursday. I wanted to go visit my family sometime this summer but in order to do this I would need to rent a car because we are a one car family and the dude has just reached peak time for photo's so I would definitely not be taking our car! Everyone I would like to introduce you to the KIA Sorento!

- I found a great deal Thursday night for car rentals leaving the next day! The best part...it was only $8.99 per day with no mileage restrictions! Once I saw this I knew it was meant to be, I booked, packed and the next day I was off!

- After my 4.5 hour journey I arrived and went straight to my brothers house. The first thing I saw when I walked in the door was a super cute baby covered in watermelon. Tayo, my nephew has only grown cuter since the last time I saw him and had a smile all ready to go upon arriving.

- This is Lily, she is sugar and spice but everything nice. I am so blessed to know this little girl. Lily loves to dance, eat fruit and cuddle! She is always making me laugh and I just couldn't imagine life without her!

- In the midst of my hug with Lily I turned to a face filled with goo! Everyone this is Hooch! He is by far the dumbest dog I have ever met. He knows how to sit, slobber and well that's about it. He always has the same dumbfounded look on his face but we love him anyways!

Later that afternoon we decided to head out to a nearby town to go swimming and when I say nearby it was actually an hour away! The drive was fun, when we got there I realized I forgot my bathing suit! Guess I am sitting out on this one...

- As I watched them swim I munched on Cheezies and it became reminiscent of my childhood. Do you remember going to a pool and begging your mom for a bag of chips? That is one tradition I remember well, although this time around I paid for my own Cheezies, and in no way did I work off the calories I just consumed!

- Tayo was the first to get out of the pool. After I got him dressed I was having a little photo shoot during snack time. I put these Cheerios together about 8 times before I got this picture, it was no sooner that the picture snapped that the little guy destroyed my work again – fast hands!

- After the swim Lily wanted to go for a treat so we stopped at a park and let her romp around. She is just the most beautiful girl isn't she?

Not the typical “Picture This” but I could not have been happier about spending the day with my wonderful family!!

Moving on to another “Ask a Fert Friday”! This is the day I dedicate to the comments of the fertile world, comments that we think are outrageous but really are just an everyday occurrence for a Fert!

I was doing my daily rounds in the store when I get called up to the till to answer a question about aloevera juice. The lady made eye contact with me immediately and asked me to come closer, she put her hand on my belly. I always feel awkward about saying no to this kind of thing so I guess I asked for this one...

“Dear could it be, you're pregnant”

Insert unbearable pause here

“No sorry I'm not, actually my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for some time and that is just not possible right now”

She puts her hand back on my stomach and says

“Hmm, well I am a psychic and my predictions are hardly ever wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if in nine months you have twins”!

Really did she just say that? At this point I walk away, roll my eyes and get back to work. Since she is a customer I was very limited to what I could say back to her.

So after this life shattering news from my new psychic friend I should be jumping for joy! Well it has been three month's since this event and well I have gained 20 pounds but no signs of pregnancy found! Trust me I tried to make it true, $30 worth of POAS don't make you any more pregnant, just poorer.

Lesson learned – Don't let a crazy hippie lady who claims she is psychic to touch your belly and fill you in on your fertility, she knows shit!

Bring on the giveaway!

For my 100th follower giveaway (which is really my 99th follower giveaway). Here's the dealio!

Last time I gave away the ultimate fertility package filled with tons of Fertility Glitz! In IF there is hardly ever one round so why would we make an exception for this giveaway!

The grand prize is a fertility package including an OV-Watch starter Kit, Pre-Seed , Fertility Socks, A Few Good Eggs Fertility Book, chocolate and herbal tea to soothe the soul!!

How do you win you ask?!

1.Become a follower of Beckies Infertility Journey! (1 Entry)

2. Post a comment about the one thing you have learned from going through infertility (1 Entry)

3. For an additional 5 entries post something about this giveaway on your blog and let all your friends know about the Fertility Glitz they could win! Let me know you have done this so I can keep track of the extra entries!

If you already follow Beckies Infertility Journey just complete step #2 and if you want the extra entries step #3 and that's it.

The draw for the “Ultimate Fertility Package” will run until May 26, 2010!!!!!

Have a great weekend everyone! I will be attending an anti mothers day party with some of my closest IF friends! What are you doing this weekend?

Love to you...

~Ask a Fert Friday~

2010-04-30T01:44:00.003-06:00

Bloggy friends today I bring you another “Ask a Fert Friday”! This is the day I dedicate to the comments of the fertile world, comments that we think are outrageous but really are just an everyday occurrence for a Fert!

Today's “Ask a Fert Friday” comes from a friend of mine who is a fellow IVF'er. At the moment she is right in the middle of her first IVF cycle, which is an exciting time for her! I am sending her all my positive vibes and are hoping this is her time for a BFP!

Anyone who has gone through infertility treatments especially IVF can appreciate the costs of all the meds you take. Thousand of dollars spent, all in hopes of producing a couple of embryos that in 9 months with any luck will produce a baby! Her story starts when she went to go pick up her stims or fertility medication at the pharmacy...

When she arrives at the pharmacy the attending pharmacist kindly greets her. She goes to grab the oversized purse load of fertility drugs and lists what to do with which and when, after all these are strong medications that need to be taken just as prescribed. Just when she is leaving and feeling slightly overwhelmed with the information she has just received out pops something she never expected...

“So do you want a boy or a girl”

The conversation ended there.

A few thoughts from me to the pharmacist...

1.First let me get pregnant, carry it for 6, 8 and 12 weeks and then we'll talk gender.

2.Do you really think I have a choice – No I do not go to a clinic nor do I even know of one where gender selection is an option. Which leads me to my third point, I am not a celebrity who elected to go through this process solely to get just a boy or just a girl.

3.Are you being serious, really? - After everything I am doing to get a baby you think that is really on my mind? I just want to be pregnant, period. At this poit anything that smells, looks and feels like a baby after 9 months is “a ok” with me!

4.When you sell Viagra to a man do you ask what they would prefer? - Nuff said!

You guys should add some of your own responses to the pharmacist, I would love to hear them! Also I have a fun giveaway that starts Tuesday so check back for that!

Love to you...

"Picture This"

2010-04-26T22:43:00.016-06:00

Hey Bloggies! I'm back from sunny Mexico and have already got my first day back at work under my belt, which wasn't half bad I must say. In the past, coming back from holidays usually meant the store would be a disaster! It would literally take us about three months to get everyone happy and on track again. At this moment in time we have a wonderful manager and 13 staff members who are AWESOME! They are all very talented in their own ways and I appreciate each one of them!

So for awhile now I have been coveting the dude's photography work, you can find his pictures here. I am so jealous of the raw talent he possess. Being able to capture memories in a creative way is an incredible gift. Giving someone creative photos is like being able to give them a moment in time to hold onto forever. On holidays I had mentioned this to the dude and he offered to start showing me some basic photo techniques. Of course I said I would love to learn so here I go. In a few months time I am going to have mad skills I tell ya!

I thought the best way I could get a little practice and for it to be really practical is to have a weekly feature on my blog. The feature would include pictures of everything I had done throughout the day with a description of the event and since I LOVE my blog I decided to marry these two ideas and create something cool for you guys to see. So every Monday night I will now have a feature called “Picture This”! - I am sending out a big thanks to Kayla for thinking of this great name for the feature!

So here goes the first ever “Picture This”

- So my day normally starts off with a coffee, not just any coffee but a latte. On this eventful day all I could squeeze out of the dude's wallet was $1.79 and that doesn't buy you premium coffee. It buys you a Tim Horton's coffee. I think drinking this coffee makes people feel more Canadian but all it makes me do is wonder why people like this stuff? The things I will do for my caffeine fix!! Coffee snob, check!

- As you can see any part of a good day is sitting in bed relaxing and lying around, which is exactly what I did! I was of course also commenting on some blogs I frequent often.

- You can't stay on blogger forever so I decided this would be the morning I would tackle learning about adoption in Saskatchewan. Adoption is something the dude and I are SERIOUSLY considering so we would like to get a head start if at all possible because we all know they are not handing out children these days!

- Out the door to get the day started at 11:45 - Did I mention I LOVE days off!!!

- I had lunch with a girlfriend of mine. I had a roasted chicken sub with lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and mayo. S, it has been far too long since we hung out! I enjoyed spending the afternoon with you and hope it can be more of a regular occurrence!

- During my lunch with S we discussed a kettle bell workout regime. I already have a kettle bell but only a 5 pound one. S was telling me that she started with a 15lb weight. So looking at her thin, gorgeous and buff bod I decided I needed to start with 15 pounds to! So out I went to find the perfect Kettle Bell for me. This picture represents GOOD and EVIL!

- Of course GOOD always wins and yes, I still ate the donut. I wasn't going to waste it, cmon people! Besides that I am starting my "healthy eating plan" tomorrow!

- After the Kettle Bell excursion I went off to have coffee with M and baby E! Baby E is only 7 weeks old and I got to hold her, cudddle her and feed her. Did I mention I LOVE baby's, especially this one!

- So I guess I am seriously obsessed with this guy...the dude! After a week's vacation I was still asking him to take me on a date! His response, "of course" - LOVE him!

Have a great week everyone!

Love to you...

~ Fert Friday from Debbs~

2010-04-23T14:46:00.000-06:00

It's me again Debbs. My blog is over at A Girl, A Guy and A Tumour, you can find my blog here. Since Becky is on a plane right now on her way home from her wonderful vacation I decide to post my own Fert Friday story.

“Ask a Fert Friday” is the day I dedicate to the comments of the fertile world, comments that we think are outrageous but really are just an everyday occurrence for a Fert!

Here we go...

My family has always been open about "Baby Making". I mean to the point that one day shortly after the Hun and I were married, my dad called us over to the dining room table and asked “if we were "doing it" wrong”? He even offered to buy us a book. I swiftly answered “Yes dad we know where “tab A” fits into “slot B”!

My parents are very direct people so I know that when I told them that I couldn't have children I would have to answer some questions. When I told my parents they didn't real say to much, my mom looked surprised that she would not be a Grandma. Suddenly there was awkward pause, which is un-normal for my family and then my dad asked," Do you have all your "lady parts"?

All I could do is smile and say,"yes dad I have all my "Lady Parts"!!!" My Dad has never ask another question about my "Lady Parts" or our "Baby Making". I'm not sure if he understands or if he is just worried but I have to say anytime I share this story with people I do say it with a smile and a hope one day that I will give my dad a grandchild.

Love to you...

Debbs

Debbs’ The Blogsitter

2010-04-21T21:08:00.012-06:00

While Becky and the Dude are off on their much needed vacation I’ve been “blog sitting” (Can you put blog sitter on a resume?). If your comments have been deleted this week, more than likely I deleted it.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Debbs and I’m currently writing about my life over at A Girl, A Guy and A Tumour. You can find my blog here. When Becky asked me to be her blog sitter, she also asked me to do a guest spot on her blog about why my infertility is different, since my infertility is caused by my pituitary tumour. I’m not sure I want to write about that. I’ve been trying for days to write this post and I've been having writer’s block. So instead I’m going to write about what I learned over the course of the last 7 years.

I have cried way too many tears since I learned that my positive pregnancy test was actually a false positive back in 2003. I didn’t cry about the baby that might have been, I cried because I knew a false positive is a bad thing.

I sometimes have blindly allowed doctors to treat me without knowing all the risks to the medications I was taking and for this I’ve wasted too many days in front of our toilet. I’ve saved money from not buying pads and HPT, but I have spent more money on medication that works for most people but not for me. When Doctors call you special that is not a good thing.

I think I have found some of the best and worst Doctors in Canada through all this. As much as much as I complain about the Canadian Health Care system, I’m grateful for the people who saw my need for it so many years ago.

I have found friends who love me even when my tumour makes me and my life crazy. I found that I can stand on my own two feet, and that I can do a blood test without crying like a baby! I have realized that some days it has to be about me and not anyone else.

When you think you DD's can't get any larger, they can, trust me! Some people say breast milk is best, I say try producing it when you can’t have any kids, then we'll talk.

I’ve grown closer to my Husband, and at some points we were in total different spots and that is not always a bad thing. I can be a plus size girl and still turn him on.

People say blood is thicker than water, well that’s not always true. Sometimes you need to let your family go and love them from a distance. Sometimes family can make thing worse by not understanding where you are in life.

I’ve lost my faith in God through all this, but I know that I should try to be a good person because you only get out of life what you have put in. Prayers are not always answered and hope is not always found in a book.

I’m allowed to be “anger” and “jealousy” and even the word hate must be said sometimes. I’ve sat with friends, strangers and cried. I hated their brain tumours as much as I hated mine. My Husband has finally (it only took 6 years) started telling people that I have a brain tumour, without shame or guilt.

When I share my story with most people it's not because they have asked me about my tumour it's but because they ask why I don’t have children. I have to say part of me loves how they shut up after I say I have a brain tumour.

I’ve also learned that joking and laughing is good for you, it’s not the best medication but it does make doctors remember you. Memories are made when you are not trying to make them and no matter what the memory is you will laugh at it one day. Trust me I laugh at the memories of my bladder stretching.

I've thought a lot about what if I do die from surgery. I've come to peace with it. I've even tried to find my replacement for the Hun. What can I say, I like to be in control and if I die I want to make sure he is happy and well taken care of.

The doctors tell me I have PCOS, I don't have PCOS. PCOS seems to the thing the label most women with. It's more confusing than anything else. The internal U/S is not your happy toy.

That support groups can work, and there is no shame in saying I belong to a support group. There is also no shame is sharing that you have been diagnosed with infertility.

Edited to add -

Debbs thank you for so much for blog sitting for me while I was away! You are such a wonderful and strong woman! I want you to know that you have been such a blessing in my life. You are always there to love me for who I am. That is the one quality I LOVE most about you, I can be up or down and you are there for me. I will be there for you whenever you need me and I am so glad that we are friends. You are someone I truly cherish and I look forward to watching both of our dreams come true!

Love You!

Beckie

~Peurto Vallarta - Where Infertility has the Upper Hand~

2010-04-19T17:31:00.008-06:00

(This is where we are staying Dreams - Peurto Vallarta)

Hey Bloggies! I am in sunny Peurto Vallarta and my stress has drifted away with the ocean tide. It feels so nice to be here, which bags the question, “why did we not do this sooner”?! I have been enjoying everything beautiful about this place, the food, the entertainment, and mostly being relaxed! Why am I writing this post you ask, well I got a tad to much sun yesterday and I decided to bench myself in a bar for a few hours away from the sun to let me skin cool down! So since I love blogging here I am!

Upon packing for our trip I decided I would bring ALL my fertility glitz with me because I was on CD 12, I was a little scared to get stopped in the airport with everything I had. I cannot even imagine explaining to a Mexican customs agent what a computerized ovulation thing is, I can barely explain it in English! I am glad that after one night here and being totally exhausted I decided hellz no, this is not going to be about this. I will put away my crazy cap away for another day...well next week because let's face it infertility will be there when I get back. I can worry about it then!

The first few days I was so tired, I slept in till 11 every morning and with that I have to give a big shout out to the dude for being patient with me (he is a get up at 7:30 type and get going). He is been awesome and setting his pace at a slower one for me even though I can tell he would be moving a wee bit faster than me! We have seen a movie (date night), been downtown, purchased some over priced jewelery and done A LOT of beaching it with food in hand!

Although I have put down the fertility glitz for the week we have still talked about it, probably too much in the dude's opinion. It is never far from my mind and little things always seem to remind me. However one AMAZING thought that popped into my head while we were having one of our “infertility on the beach convo's” was that being on vacation is the one time being an infertile with no kids gives us the upper hand. No screaming kids, no responsibilities and a complete selfishness that a person rarely gets after having children. Granted I would never choose this over not having kids but in a time where everything normal seems to get taken away from me I am choosing to take this.

There are loads of people here with children and it has not bothered me one bit, because at the end of this day I will get 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I will eat my breakfast and not end up wearing half of it! I can come and go as I please and the only people I have to think about is me and my lovely dude!

Love to you...

~Ask a Fert Friday~

2010-04-16T01:04:00.006-06:00

Bloggy friends today I bring you another “Ask a Fert Friday”! This is the day I dedicate to the comments of the fertile world, comments that we think are outrageous but really are just an everyday occurrence for a Fert!

We will first start with some awesome pictures I found on the internet...

1.Fertile Myrtle – We just all know she swung by the grocery store to buy apples and happened to bump into the produce manager and well the rest is history!

2.I'm Pregnant What's Your Excuse – I am pumped up on fertility medication at the moment and have a severe case of OHSS, any more questions?

3.It's Not Mine – Funny I didn't know immaculate conception still exists which brings me to an even better point, if you don't know who's it is surely you won't mind if I take it off your hands?!

4.Oops I Did it Again – Did what, got pregnant or bought a stupid t-shirt?

So today's “Ask a Fert Friday” is brought to you by a customer that came into the store. I will start off by saying that this was a family consisting of a mom, dad, toddler and a newborn. I had approached them to ask if they needed help in selecting a baby wash and well, here was there answer...

“No I think we are finding the baby wash but would you like to raise two kids”?

and of course I replied...

“Yes I would love that actually, when would I be able to pick them up”?

Insert awkward pause here...

Then they turn and look at me like I am crazy and for that I would just like to state I am not the one who just suggested someone else raise my children but somehow I am the weirdo!

In my head I was thinking this is way to easy, adoption is suppose to take at least 6 months! Guys, I gotta tell you I almost scored big time today!

If you would like to share you own Fert experience and be featured on my blog for “Ask a Fert Friday ” please email at - beckiesinfertile@live.ca

Love to you...

~Drowning in Infertility~

2010-04-14T23:32:00.003-06:00

I seem to have moved into a new phase of grief and dealing with infertility. I cannot pin point where it started or how it arrived but it sucks now that I am here. Usually I am an optimist but I am having a hard time shaking this one. I find myself resenting moms and children that I meet because it is literally starting to make me feel numb. When I went to see the acupuncturist the other day she had mentioned my pulses/spirit feels depressed, how did she know that? I never told her but she is right. I am feeling ultra sad and lost.

I keep asking myself is this really worth it? I am sick of charting, I am sick of acupuncture, I am sick of ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and vitamins! I am sick of it ALL. In the same breathe I am not willing to let go, to openly say this isn't our path. We have been on this journey for 2 years and those two years have been spent investing in EVERY fertility related gadget I can think of. I have watched others become pregnant with ease and I am left with nothing. I am sick of seeing ultra sound photos, first baby pictures and people enjoying their children and babies. I am sick of seeing people who do not deserve to have children, who do not even care they have children and people who are upset they are pregnant again.

The thought lurks in my mind that if we were blessed with one baby would I ever want to go through this again, would I be strong enough? I feel sad and sick to my stomach that something so natural has been taken away from us. When I say “us” I mean anyone who has ever dealt with infertility. It is hard to continually fight this battle. It is hard to be okay in a world where the only thing I want is something that I may never have.

Infertility is like jumping from a plane and not knowing where you are going to land, it could be on solid ground but you could also drown in the water. The pain is deep.

I am sick of the comments that are so passive like “One day you will have a baby, you're still young”! I am sick of hearing shit like this. I may never have a baby and if I do I am pretty sure it is not going to be within the next year and as a side note I may be young now but as you have witnessed fertility treatments do not work over night. So to a “normal” person I have lots of time but I am not normal, this experience isn't normal!

Tonight I feel like crawling in a hole and staying there for awhile. I can put on a fake smile but I hate being fake and acting like this whole mess is okay. I promised myself that this year I was going to feel everything and I guess right now this is it. I feel hurt, afraid and in pain. I want to feel happy again, I want to feel like me. Let's face it pretending sucks!

I am really hoping the vacation will allow me some time to think and be away from everything. To be with the dude, the person I trust and love the most. As I sit here bawling my eyes out I try to remind myself that I will feel better, I will feel happy again it just may take some time.

Love to you...

Fertility Items and Book Sale!

2010-04-13T22:05:00.003-06:00

Hello bloggy friends! Well it has stopped snowing here and is now pouring rain, which is great because on Friday we are heading to MEXICO! I am so excited, I can feel the warm sun and sand from here! This is a much needed trip, a time to just “relax” and for all you out there who have suggested a trip for conception this is it, just maybe not what you thought. This will be a trip to conceive an extra 5 pounds, enjoy loads of laughter and to have some good rest and relaxation with my best friend! I will post some pictures when we return, promise.

As many of you know we are part owners of a health food store, within the store I set up a Natural Fertility Centre. We carry items that you have seen many times like Pre-Seed, OV-Watch, FertilAid, all those good TTC items. Right now we are having a Fertility Sale. I thought I would let you know so I can pass the savings on to you guys!

What's on sale you ask?

OV-Watch Starter Kit – $69.99
OV-Sensor Pack (1 Sensor) - $29.99
OV-Sensor Pack (3 Sensors) - $69.99
Purchase an OV-Watch starter kit and receive any fertility book for $7.50

Pregnancy Tests – Expire May 2010 (2 Tests) - $4.99
Ovulation Test Strips – Expire May 2010 (5 Tests) - $6.99

All Fertility Books $10.00

1.A Few Good Eggs
2.Making Babies
3.Taking Charge of Your Fertility
4.The Couples Guide to In Vitro Fertilization
5.What to Expect Before Your Expecting
6.The Fastest Way Get Pregnant Naturally
">7.Enhancing Fertility Naturally
8.The Infertility Cure
9.DVD – Bend Breath and Conceive

*All books are linked to amazon so you can check them out there.
*Shipping is not included in the above prices.

If you would like to purchase any of the above items please contact me at beckiesinfertile@live.ca

Only 3 more sleeps till MEXICO!!!!!

Love to you...

~Ask a Fert Friday~

2010-04-09T12:26:00.003-06:00

Hey peeps, at this moment I am at work and in the middle of a blizzard, it literally looks like this....

Spring in Canada has never looked better!

Fert Friday is finally here!!! So here’s the deal, every Friday I will post something that a “Fert” (Fertile Person) has said to me regarding anything fertility! I could get mad at some of the comments that fly but…laughing at them is so much better.

This “Fert Friday” comment is brought to you by my mother.

“So Beckie when you go in for IVF is that when you get the baby?”

Mom you have been super supportive and awesome but unfortunately any procedure regarding fertility does not work that quickly. I will however give her snaps for the idea, picking up a baby on the way home from work would be pretty awesome!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Love to you…

Here's One You Won't See on Cake Boss!!!

2010-04-06T22:43:00.002-06:00

This Sunday I will be hosting a dual baby shower for two sisters who are both friends of mine. They had their little tykes two weeks apart...jealous? I sure am! So tonight I was researching what kind of cake I could make for the shower. It's important to note that I'm a go big or go home type of person so I wanted something pretty awesome. Well here is what I found...

Classy.

Love to you...

Clearly I am Aiming to be the Next Octo Mom!!!

2010-04-05T21:42:00.010-06:00

Over the weekend I was visiting family and friends in Edmonton. I had a great time and I am pretty sure I spent too much money! Evidence of this being I received an email from the dude only after two days of being there. The dude's email as follows:

“Hey honey! I love you lots, I hope you are having a great time! I was just looking at our bank account and would gladly return a few items for you when you get home!”

O my lovely Dude how I love you, even the parts that slightly annoy me. I thought his email was funny! The dudes way at throwing out a nudge to make sure I am within my budget! ;) I would be broke without this guy! So in response to you sweetie, I can return a few things. In fact whatever I liked I bought 2 of so I would have variety, so thinning my selection should actually be easy! The real question now is will it be fuchsia or teal? Votes anyone?!?!

I got to see my wonderful family and hang out with an old and true friend. I appreciate all these people so much. I am truly blessed to have such great family and friends in my life. No matter how crazy I am there is always such a sense of love and acceptance. Thanks guys for making my trip memorable, sharing in some good laughs and being my taxi!

So of course being around old and new friends I had the opportunity to share what was going on with me and the dude. As we all know the major news would of course be IVF. I must say that I have really started to enjoy telling people because of there reaction and comments that follow. Most of the time they say something ridiculous and often is followed with laughter. In my opinion infertility and laughter should be best friends so here are some responses I got.

The conversation usually goes like this:

“So Beckie what is new with you?”

“Well at the moment we are just working at the store and have decided to go in for IVF!”

This is usually followed by a longer than normal pause as I ask “Do you know what that is?”

I take a brief moment to explain and well the answers are usually priceless, here a few from this weekend!

“So that means you are going to have like 8 kids?” (Hence Octo Mom Title)
“Haven't you ever heard of the turkey baster method?”
“Maybe you just need to relax!”
“Maybe you should adopt!”
“Are you sure you can afford that?”
“Does the dude know about this?”
“Is it permanent?”

Like I said, priceless. These people are so innocent because they have no idea what is going on. For me this IF talk has all become normal. When I talk to someone it gives me a new perspective about this whole IF business. I am a proud infertile and I love sharing our story. So this is what I am going to do, every Friday I will post a crazy comment or story from the week in regards to a ferts (fertile person) perspective on IVF! It is going to be crazy fun!!! I will call it “Ask a Fert Friday”! What do you think?

After my long Easter weekend I am excited to be at home. Thankful for the memories I have made and the people that love me no matter what!

To finish off I want to share a thought, it could just be that I am seriously OCD and cannot get past infertility brain! Did this happen to you?

Easter is not a time to celebrate infertility but because I am “special” I of course would think of something to remind me of the fact my baby making parts need a tune up. All I heard this weekend was...

“Go find those eggs, did you get good ones!” Every time I wanted to 'say no thank you mine are broken!'

Love to you...

When You Can't Go Artificial...Go Natural!

2010-03-29T22:28:00.008-06:00

Hey guys! It seems like it has been weeks since I posted on here but in reality it has only been a few days. I have been busy with work and trying to figure out how to lose this weight! More importantly I am trying to figure out how to stay on a diet for longer than a week! I guess we could say I have little self control in this area. I am pressing on, this week is a new week and I am starting again!

In my mind I need to keep pressing on with TTC, even if the chance of success is small, it makes the waiting bearable. The dude and I agreed it will make us feel a little less helpless and a little more useful. Like I said I am not holding my breath on any of this working but it will give me something to do in the meantime.

I know some of our friends and family read this blog so I am going to lay out our “plans”. Now for a seasoned IF girl this is going to be nothing but I will send out a warning to my family and friends that below will more than likely contain more information than you want to know about the dude and I. Well here goes, you have been warned!

I guess where this conversation starts is at CD 57, yes you read that right! This definitely ranks as one of the most frustrating things about my body. Most girls hate AF, where as I welcome her with excitement! I am thinking that lovely AF will come in about 2 weeks just as we are boarding the plane for Mexico, she gets lost often and loves to show up at inopportune times. I will be frustrated but will welcome her because maybe just maybe I will have a normal cycle. It only takes one cycle right?! I say the last sentence as I laugh at myself, I like to think I have control...reality check, ummm NO!

The dude is of course ready to go ahead with the plan, did I even need to say that, of course he is! I wanted to give him a special shout out. He has been really caring through this whole thing and has supported me in all the crazy things I have wanted to try. He allowed me to purchase a few items in the hopes it will help with our combined issues!

So when AF decided to make her appearance this is what we are going to do....

We spent a few dollars on some new “tools” - We figured they would be around the same cost as 1 IUI which made the purchases a little more justifiable.

For tracking ovulation we purchased the Ova Cue. It is a high tech gadget that predicts and confirms ovulation. Catch phrase there “confirms ovulation”, I am super excited about this little feature. You can find more information about this here. Of course I will probably be adding in a few pee sticks and I will be charting. Did I mention I hate charting, my favorite acupuncturist T said it would be helpful to know where my temps land. So I guess that settles that!

Second on the list is the Conception Kit. I must start by saying this kits is WAY over priced, nice marketing though. Basically the genius of it is the “Conception Cap”, this cap is designed to hold sperm right up to the cervix. That cap allows those suckers a lot less swimming time to reach the prized egg – if I have one anyways, hahahaah! On the website it says that is helpful in male factor infertility which really sold it for me. You can find more about it here.

So those are the two tools we are going to be using to help with the au natural conception. In addition both the dude and I are receiving weekly acupuncture treatments, using herbs and having a lot's of “fun”!

I will post my reviews as I use these two items and if you have any questions please feel free to email me at beckiesinfertile@live.ca

Wish us luck because at this point we have nothing to lose, well maybe just our sanity but really who needs that anyways?!?!?!?

Love to you...

Beckie Fights Back

2010-03-27T18:57:00.002-06:00

So I was just leaving work when I saw this on someones facebook status...

I am a cook, a housekeeper, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a nurse, a handy man, a maid, security, physcologist and a comforter. I don't get holidays, sick pay, or a day off, I work through the day and some of the night, I am under paid and over worked now tell me that YOUR job is harder then mine. Repost this if you're a MOM!

My respose to this and what I changed my status to say...

I am a cook, a housekeeper, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a nurse, a handy man, a maid, security, physcologist and a comforter. I don't get holidays, sick pay, or a day off, I work through the day and some of the night, I am under paid and over worked. I am not a mom but you better believe I do all this and to boot I work 10 hours a day!

Just saying...

Love to you...

~Infertility Abbreviations - Putting People to the Test~

2010-03-22T23:11:00.003-06:00

So I decided to put some people I know to the test with Infertility Abbreviations!

A few weeks ago the dude was reading a post on blogger and he saw DH. The writer was talking about male infertility and so he thought, “hey, maybe since they’re talking about guys they are using a sports metaphor”.

The dude thought it stood for ‘designated hitter’. To be fair, I think it was a fairly good guess.

So that hilarity brought this idea out, why not give you a laugh at the outrageous guesses. To add some extra flare I also enlisted two girls from work to also give the terms a shot at figuring it all out. So here goes, the best guesses available for you. Have fun…..I hope this brings a little smile to your face today.

The Dude’s answers will be first and then the girls from work will appear second!

Period Cycles

AF – Thank goodness they started with an easy one, it’s Aunt Flow. Right?
AF - Abnormal Follicle
BBT – We used an OV-Watch for a while so I remember this one means Basal Body Temperature
BBT – Big Breast Time
DPO – It has an O in it so I’m going to guess it has something to do with ovulation
DPO – During Primary Ovulation
OPK – See above
OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kit
BCP – Before Copulation Period
BCP - Big Conception Party
BD – No idea
BD – Before Disaster
AO – See DPO and OPK
AO – After Ovulation
CD – Cycle Diary
CD – Cycle Drop
DPO – No idea
DPO – Days Past Ovulation
LH – I can’t remember what it stands for, but this is the type of hormone your body makes when you’re pregnant
LH – Leaving Home
LP – I’m going to guess this is another hormone
LP- Loving Penis
C# - Cycle number. It seems too obvious but I think that’s right.
C# - Cycle Number
CM – Cycle monitoring
CM – Circular Move
O – Orgasm. There must be at least more than one thing related to actually trying to make the baby so I think this is the one.
O – Ovulation

Pregnancy Confirmation

2WW – absolutely no idea. 2 wicked weeks is all I can think of….maybe describing how sick you get during the first few weeks of pregnancy?
2WW – 2 Wanting to Work
POAS – Pee On A Stick. I really hope I got that one because it sort of jumped off the page at me. It couldn’t possibly be anything else, could it?
POAS – Positive Only After Sex
HPT – Home pregnancy test
HPT – Home Pregnancy Test
OPK – The O must be ovulation but I’m not sure about the rest
OPK – Ovulation Pee Kit
BFP – Big Fat Positive
BFP – Best Friend Party
BFN – I’m embarrassed to admit that it took me five minutes to figure out that this one meant Big Fat Negative
BFN – Big Feet Needed
BETA – Babies Estimated Time of Arrival
BETA – Baby Entering Atmosphere
DPT – Did a Pregnancy Test
DPT – Dummy Proof Test

Procedures of Infertility

AI – Artificial Insemination
AI – Artificial Insertion
ET – Egg Transfer
ET – Egg Timer
FET – Fresh Embryo Transfer
FET – Fetus Transfer
IVF – In Vitro Fertilization
IVF – In Vitro fertilization
IUI – Inter Uterine Insemination
IUI – Intrauterine Insemination
ICSI – Can’t remember what it stands for but the doc puts a sperm directly into the egg to help increase
chances of fertilization
ICSI – Insertion During a Crime Drama
ITI – In Vitro Transfer Insemination
ITI – Intro to Insertion
ZIFT – I’m trying to remember female anatomy terms from grade 6 sex-ed….all I can come up with is that I think the F could stand for fallopian
ZIFT – Zygote Transfer Fertility Test

Hormones Related to Infertility

FSH – Follicle Stimulating Hormone
FSH – Follicle Spreading Hormone
GnRH – No idea what it stands for, but you have to inject it before the egg retrieval I think. I will most definitely not be involved in this procedure.
GnRH – Guns and Roses Hormones
HCG – I remember this one from the infertility video we watched the other day. It’s some sort of drug
and I don’t know what it’s called but I assume it’s going to cost me a weeks salary.
HCG – Hormonal Cringing Girl
R-FSH – Something Follicle something Hormone
R-FSH – Raging Fist Shaking Heads

Conditions Associated With Infertility

PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
ENDO – Endrymotris (I’m normally a great speller, but I’m not sure about this one)
Endo - Endometriosis
OHSS – Ovulation something something syndrome
OHSS – Ovary Hiding Scared
MFI – Male Factor Infertility
MFI – Malfunctioning Fallopian Infection

People in Infertility

DH – Designated Hitter (The Dude)
DH – Dumb Husband
MIL – Mom in labour
MIL – Mother I Love
RE – Reproduction Expert
RE – Registered Egg Giver
BIL – All I can think of is brother in law but I know that can’t be right. At least it shouldn’t be. Quite frankly, I can’t see what Beckie’s brother would have to do with all of this.
BIL – Baby in Limbo
UR – Urologist?
UR – Urologist Recommender

This was actually a lot of fun! You should test the people you know! Have a great Tuesday!!!

Love to you…

Happy Saturday and The Office

2010-03-20T08:45:00.002-06:00

Happy Saturday guys!!! I love weekends, don’t you? Even though I work every Saturday it still brings me great happiness when this lovely day rolls around. Since I started blogging I have noticed the weekends in blog land are pretty slow. I hope you are all out enjoying life and enjoying some nice weather!!

So I thought I would share a clip from The Office. The dude LOVES this show. It is on so often in our house it’s crazy! At first I was just annoyed by The Office, the show is a comedy but they try and make it like a reality show sort of. As I watched, because let’s face it I could not avoid it forever I was a little more drawn in. I can now say this is not my favorite show but I do find it funny and now when the dude has it on I will sit and watch with him.

Here is a clip of Dwight explaining Pam’s pregnancy. This is the first time I actually laughed out loud while watching this show. I hope you like it as much as I did.

Love to you...

~Free Fertility Meds~

2010-03-17T12:49:00.001-06:00

Hello Lovely’s!!!

I have been talking to Brook over at You, Me and a Petri and she had offered to send me some of her unused fertility medication. Since my IVF has been pushed back I told her I would let you all know and maybe it could work out for you!!!! Brooke is now pregnant with twins, Woot Woot! You can find her blog here. Here is what she has:

Bravelle-10 single dose vials-75IU, 10 single dose vials of sodium chloride (for the mixing) one of the boxes expires in July 2010 the other in August 2010.

Repromax-10 single dose vials, 75IU, 10 single dose vials of sodium choride (for mixing) boxes expire in August 2010.

All products are unopened. I also have unopened qcaps and syringes.

This is a great deal from such a SWEET lady! You can let me know at:

beckiesinfertile@live.ca

Have a great day!!!

Love to you…

PLOMS Disease, Have You Ever Had It?

2010-03-15T10:31:00.002-06:00

Today I woke up and everything has the appearance of a normal day. Nothing new to report, nothing new to complain about either. Which in itself is a win. I am still feeling a little sorry for myself that I have to go through all this before we go ahead with IVF. I repeatedly tell myself over and over this is the best thing. My dad would call this PLOMS disease (Poor Little Old Me Syndrome), I have suffered with this many a time in my life. How about you?

I suppose this is why I tend to be resilient to change and bad news. While I was younger I was allowed to grieve and feel sorry for myself but it is the one thing my dad did not do is buy into it. He would always tell me that having an attitude will only prolong my hurt feeling's or suffering. I owe this one to you pops, you have shown me that moving forward and finding the positive is really the only way.

So today as I feel unsure about whether I can do this, I pick up my larger than life attitude and tell it “we have other plans”. I am moving forward with eating healthy, exercising and losing this 50lbs! How long will this take I am not sure, but I am sure I WANT A BABY and at the moment this is a means to an end so here goes everything.

When I finish this post I am walking away to jog on the treadmill and then a Kettle Bell workout! Woo Hoo – I would like you to know I said this sarcastically, not quite over the PLOMS syndrome, but I know it will come, it always does!

There were a few comments left on my blog about weight loss buddies. I love the idea, can you think of the best way to do that?

Love to you...

IVF Consult Day

2010-03-11T15:36:00.000-06:00

So here we are today. I just got off the phone from the RE and he said that everything was exactly what we had originally thought. He thought that once we finished off a few things we would be good to go and ready to start treatment. This is not what I was expecting, I wasn't expecting him to care at all. I thought he would just say “come on down” like a contestant on the price is right.

So here's the breakdown of what really happened...

The phone call started off talking about the dude. The doctor determined he needs to go for further genetic testing because male factor infertility can have a higher risk of having a baby with chromosomal abnormalities. So the doctor said ethically this needs to be worked out before we proceed with IVF. Basically we need to know the why before we do the deed. He said if we were in BC, which is were the treatment centre is, any genetic testing would take at minimum two months and maybe even three! But we do not live in BC we live in Saskatchewan where everything related to health seems to take soooo much longer. Sometimes I feel health care here is in the stone's age! So this was frustrating because I had not thought about this aspect. He is going to send the requisition and hopefully the system proves us wrong on this one!

The other thing he added was because they are not a medical clinic (the government classes them as a treatment centre) I will need to loose weight before he is able to consider the treatment. My BMI needs to be under 35 and right now it is 38, this works out to be about 40lbs. I suppose this will improve everything anyways but I am scared. I am scared that I will not be able to do it and to have this pressing time line against me. For a fleeting moment I was like “I will just stop eating”. This is so frustrating, with my PCOS it makes it super hard to loose weight and even easier to gain it. I feel super overwhelmed at the moment. I am just going to have to focus on weight loss with a hope for a baby that will one day come!

I have tried to loose weight in the last year and failed so many times miserably! The dude and I got into a fight over this which makes the whole situation worse. Why do we take stress out on people we love?

I am hurt and in pain at the moment and trying to move my attitude and energy from ultimate sadness to wanting to change my life and go get this. The sad part is all I want right now is a cheeseburger! You guessed it...emotional eater, I am totally screwed!!!!

Love to you...

Lessons Learned!!

2010-03-09T00:28:00.007-06:00

It's hard to be happy when your heart feels full and sad. It is hard to be happy when you don't really understand and never really will. It is hard to be happy when everyone else has exactly what you want. It is hard to shake the feeling that the one thing that will make you whole is a passing thought and not reality.

These are ideas and thoughts we face day in and day out, months and even years! Until we reach the point of holding a baby of our own the pain of infertility just never lets up. Yes, some days are easier but it is the CONSTANT nagging, the visual reminders and the heartbreak of realizing that this month wasn't our time.

Being infertile, I think that is what I would call myself. I have heard a few people say you just need some help to be fertile and that may be true but my body, me, will always lean towards the “baby making is not for me side.” I am okay with that, I have accepted it. The one thing I have a hard time accepting is the attitude that I must take in order to survive this everyday.

I am growing so much and learning more about myself everyday through this experience. I would of course never choose to go through this but if I have to I am going to find the positive. I am sure you have seen the quote:

“Be the change you want to see in the world”

I love thinking about the simplistic message this is bringing forward. Each day all I have to do is be myself. Be kinder, be wiser and love deeper. I am infertile and I am choosing to use this time to learn about myself and others. I want the people around me to know about IVF, why it is so important to me and how hard it is to endure.

On this journey there has already been a fair share of obstacles to overcome and there will be many more. Here is my story about one obstacle, maybe you can relate. Maybe it will help you in your trying to conceive journey.

Right now in my life I have 2 friends who are right were I want to be, postpartum and 9 months pregnant! I cannot tell you how many times I have looked at them enviously. Wishing I had what they have. I have even thought about just ending our friendship because it was so painful to watch. It was painful to put on a brave face and shop for baby gear. It was hard to be happy for them when my heart was breaking. I wanted to be there but I was distant. I was in my own silent hell, feeling trapped and alone.

The months went on and there were clearly cracks in the pavement. It was hard to keep things open and fun when you are dealing with two very extreme situations (pregnancy and infertility). Where do these two meet exactly? It was a test of friendship and a test of strength, I would like to say mostly for myself but I would be wrong. It was hard for my friends to all of a sudden have a flaky friend who couldn't even keep a lunch date! To deal with someone who could not celebrate the awesomeness of her pregnancy.

She saw my hurt and listened but no one really understands the pain of infertility just as I would not understand what being a mother is really like. We both made comments that hurt each other, we were grasping onto anything that would resemble the normalcy we once had. There were so many nights that I cried and tried to figure out what exactly should I do. Do I lose a good friend over this? Do I sit here in pain and wait for her to be un-pregnant? In my mind I knew I did not want to let go. I did not want this to start making decisions and controlling my life.

I started slowly to remove everyone else from the equation and take a honest look at infertility. I worked on separating myself from everyone and everything. It was not long before I saw that the pain was forever written on my heart. I finally decided to not only say “It is not that I am not happy for her it is that I am so sad for myself.” But to start actually living my life like that statement.

So Friday was the day of the induction. I cried a few times that day. I knew that by the end of the weekend she would have a baby and I wouldn't. I was not prepared for how much this would effect me. I spent most of the work day solemn and quiet, waiting on the news of the new baby's arrival. Nothing. Saturday came and I was in even more of a funk than the day before. I got the call at around 3, she had a beautiful healthy baby girl.

Me and the dude were invited to the hospital to see the baby. It was at this moment it all made sense. I wanted to go and celebrate with my friend, see her baby and congratulate her on what she just accomplished. Inside, my own heart was breaking and I was calmly shaking and holding back tears every time the subject was brought up. I took a customer call in which I was holding back tears. It was heavy on my mind and the pain was not letting up.

As I left the store to go to the hospital that night my heart was heavy. I knew this was going to be the biggest challenge yet. I was not sure that I would be able to put on my brave and supportive face without bursting into tears. I would be coming face to face with everything I want. Their dream lived and mine shattered. As we approached my heart raced but I was determined, I was going to do this. Everything in me was telling me to turn around except for my head. Earlier that day I had made some choices and came to some realizations.

On Saturday I decided that infertility is going to hurt. It is going to hurt so bad some days that I will not be able to compose myself to function. I am accepting the pain that comes with this whole mess. I am not going to allow the hurt to control how I behave. I am going to feel the pain because I am in it. I thought about my life and could not remember a time when avoidance actually worked and or helped. I was not going to die on this hill alone and in pain.

My white flagged was raised. I gave up fighting the idea of avoidance, it wasn't working for me. In this time especially, because I am hyper aware, I will be surrounded by pregnant woman, babies and familys. All tugging on my heart strings. No the pain hasn't gone away but I have shifted my energy. I cannot change all the fertiles in the world, the only one I can change is me.

As I approached the room I looked in and I let it all go. I hugged my beautiful friend who has given birth to the most beautiful baby. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to love them both. In the end I gave up. I gave up the fight of avoiding everything baby and started living my life embracing everything. Infertility will be there tomorrow, why let it ruin today? Did it hurt? Tremendously!

But with the hurt came something I never expected....

Healing!

It was amazing to feel healing just by holding that baby, I had the chance to give back and to love. That baby was 3 hours old and I would not have missed it for the world! Being present was a choice I hadn't taken before then. I was scared to be vulnerable and feel the full weight of infertility. Healing isn't about not hurting anymore. For me healing is giving back and embracing the beautiful people around me. For me this means to embrace your fears, stare them down and not let them make important decisions. Infertility takes away so much, I am not going to allow it to destroy the friendships I have worked so long to build.

Infertility - I own you! Now that I am looking at you dead on nothing you do will deter me from my goals. I may be part of the infertile class forever but one day I will be a mom. No doubt about it, it is written. You have left scars on my heart but never ever will I lie down and let you win...never!

Through this I have learnt to be braver and to face my fears head on. I am stronger and wiser and I am so proud of myself for that. The courage I faced that day astounded me and I will be forever changed!

To my friend - you know who you are...

M, thank you for going through this with me. Thank you for allowing me to make mistakes and realize this in my own time. I promise from now on that I am on board for every mommy story you've got! I am here to support you in any way I can. I am looking forward to growing with you as you become the wonderful mother you naturally are! I love you and your new baby and I am here for you 100% because bottom line, I know you will do the same for me!

As Carrie Underwood would say it “there were lessons learned”

Love to you...

Tonight I Give You a Blogging Award, a Winner and an Update!!

2010-03-04T23:57:00.003-06:00

Hello blog land, I have missed you!! It seems like it has been forever since I have posted on here. I guess I have learnt that blogging is kind of like going to the gym, it is something you have to make time for and turn it into a habit and once you stop it is difficult to get back in the game! I can however say this, “I love blogging about a trillion times more than the gym”! Anyone else?!

I received the Happy 101 blog award from two lovely ladies! Thank you both, this was an internet hug from the both of you!

The first award was from Holly at Ready To Be Mom – Holly is a super fun and caring lady! When I am reading other blogs I always see her little feet profile photo sharing her kindness to the IF community. I love those little feet, it reminds that yes one day I will have a baby of my own! Her blog is fantastic, go give her a shout because she is awesome and you will love her too! You can find her blog here.

The second award was from Suzanne at My Life's Journey – Suzanne is a super strong woman! When I was reading about her IF story and some of the obstacles she has faced it made me realize that I will be okay and I can do this, no matter how hard it may be. She is courageous and honest, qualities I really admire! I encourage you to go give her a shout, as we all know everyone in the IF community could always have a little more love! You can find here blog here.

Now for my duties....

When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 blogs worthy of this award. Post a link to the blogs you nominate, and make sure you let them know that they have been nominated!

1.A hot latte in the morning, latte art included
2.Waking up to the dude and realizing that everyday deserves a chance
3.Going on a fun unpredictable date
4.Sharing laughs with good friends
5.Meeting people who are positive
6.LAUGHING – Did I mention I love to laugh...
7.Cuddling
8.Acting crazy and not my age
9.A lazy night in front of the T.V
10.Encouraging others to believe in themselves

10 blogs I love and want to pass on the Happy 101 Award...

1. Debbs at A Girl, A Guy and A Tumour
2. Kate at Planning To Be Preggo
3. Patiently Waiting???
4. Melissa at Hanging With Mr.Cooper
5. Vanessa at Sanoja Family Est.2005
6. ..Soo.See.. at HolyMoly Toledo(s)
7. Bitter Is The New Black
8. Hannah at Life Happens While You're Making Other Plans...
9. Michelle at No, I Am Not Pregnant, Just Fat
10. Annete at Journey To Our Family

Well there you have it, go check out these wonderful blogs and give these sweet girls some love!

So on to agenda item number #2 – The winner of my blog re-do designed by Giggly Girl!

The winner is...

Sharon at Pouring Out My Insides!! You can keep updated on her blog and re-design here.

Congrats Sharon! I am excited to see what Alison creates just for you!

Now to finish, a quick update about me. I got a call to confirm we would be attending our consultation and I can say this 6 weeks has been long!!!! I am so happy we have our first meeting with the RE and we can get this IVF train rolling!!! In a way it seems surreal like it is never going to come and this is never going to happen. Our appointment is on March 11 - 7 days and counting!!

I have watched and read all your stories and have been terribly jealous about the drugs and needles you are all injecting! ;) In my life I have always been impatient so this time I am trying to sit back and enjoy the ride. I am learning from you guys and I am trying to appreciate all I do have.

This is a one way train to a beautiful baby one way or another and if this train stops I will be the first one to get out, kick some ass and get this bitch rolling again!

Love to you all...

The Winner Is...

2010-03-01T11:38:00.002-06:00

I have been waiting for this day all month, the day we would draw for the fertility package. Thanks to everyone who entered, I have a lot of fun giving stuff away to people so I am sure that there will be another giveaway in the near future! I used an automatic ballot picking program and...

The Winner Is:

Kate at Busted Plumbing
Congrats to you Kate, I hope this helps in your TTC journey!!!

Just a quick reminder about the Blog Re-Design giveaway. The draw is March 4, you can find more about it here. Hope you all have had a fantastic Monday!

Love to you...